This article is part of the The Great American Reach Around series.


Darmstadt, Germany

Germany. Located bang in the middle of western Europe, thus surrounded by nine neighboring states. Apparently this is of little help when you start waging war against the rest of the world. Yes, I am going there - I am starting an article about my country right at its greatest weak spot: Whenever you find yourself disagreeing with a German just casually mention the words "jews", "gas", "war", "Hitler" and "scat porn" in any given order and they will not only have lost the argument by default, they will also be apologizing profusely to you for crimes neither you nor them had anything to do with while silently hating you.

Yes, Germany had a major part in World War I and straight out started World War II, but trust me, you don't have to tell us. We know. Democratic Germany is so scared of looking like a aggressor that in case the Polish decided to invade Germany on horseback they would most likely reach France, and invade them too within a week because no German would dare to lay hands on them. This is what the inhabited guilt of two world wars does to you.

But let us leave behind us what lies in the past and look at Germany as it exists today. Most of you may still know us as "the Krauts", a term that basically translates into "the cabbages". Some people argue that this is a cheap shot at our head of government's hairstyle but if you investigate carefully, you will notice that the expression has been around longer than our Chancellor Angela Merkel. Kraut isn't being consumed very often by the average German though. Were you looking for typical German food you would most likely find sausages ("Wurst"), kebab ("Döner Kebab") and pizza ("Pizza", duh). The latter two were introduced by immigrants from Turkey and Italy so if you like stereotypes, go ahead and call us "the Wursts". At least we can then call you "the Fatty McBurgers".

The legal drinking age in Germany is 16 for beer and 18 for liquor so fun times are to be had by all. We Germans love our beer and depending on the region, different kinds of beer are prefered. Instead of crappy Miller Lite, in Darmstadt we drink our local beer which is very appropriately named Darmstädter.

Darmstadt is a medium-sized city in the southern part of Germany. The name translates into "Bowelcity". We used to have a lot of American soldiers here but these days they seem to be needed elsewhere. What will we do without their protection if the communists from the east invade? The remaining Americans mainly keep to themself, the best way to spot them is hanging out at certain spots on the weekends and watching out for people who are too drunk to walk. Apparently Americans aren't used to real alcohol.

Darmstadt also sports a university renowned for its technical and engineering degrees, which means that there are quite a lot of university students populating the town and that most of them are guys. The male engineering students try to recruit their girlfriends/booty from the non-technical study courses like architecture and sociology, but there are not enough to go around. Some of the more snobby clubs around town will therefore kick you to the curb if you turn up with an all-guy group and demand entry to consume their overpriced alcoholic beverages and show off your awesome dancing skills you got off youtube-videos of twelve-year-olds doing the cripwalk.

Pop-culture in Germany is influenced by America quite a bit, although most people don't really realize that their lifestyle is dictated by crazy imperialist pigs who like to flood countries with their McDonald's, Subway and Starbucks franchises once they have bombed their capitals into oblivion. At least 50% of shows and movies shown on TV are imported and dubbed. Yeah, we get Desperate Housewives too, thanks for that. In the 90's, MTV program was aired in English. Around 2000, it had subs. These days we get to enjoy crappy shows like MTV's NEXT! fully dubbed which makes it even worse. Douchebags in Germany also like to wear pink Lacoste polos and pop their collars.

In conclusion, living in Germany probably isn't very different from living in any western European country. The difference to the USA is that we do not try to build everything as huge as possible and up until now, only half of our population are overweight due to fast food consumption and lack of exercise. I will close with a startling revelation: Germans do not love scat porn. I was unaware of this myth until I stumbled upon certain allegations on the INTERNETS. As one of the world's leading exporting nations we have to cater to certain foreign needs, I guess.

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