Hey buddy, you up? Before you start asking questions, let's get the most important thing out of the way: yes, I am a ghost. One of those ghosts that teaches you stuff, as a matter of fact. Now you're probably thinking, "Isn't this guy a little late?" Well, number one, there's more than just the three Christmas ghosts. There. That's the first thing I taught you. I'm really thinking outside the box this year, and not just because I showed up drunk to Ghost of Christmas Past training twice and got kicked out of the program. In case you couldn't figure it out, I'm here to teach you the true meaning of two days after Christmas.
Before you put on pants or anything, let me stop you right there and tell you we aren't going backwards or forwards in time or anything like that. No way. Lost my license 18 months ago and I swear that judge has got it out for me. Hell, we're not even going to be leaving this room. See this little guy right here on my ankle? If I so much as walk 50 feet out of my designated haunting zone tonight, it goes off and then it's back to hell for me. And a word to the wise: you really don't want to be there at this time of the year. It's like Black Friday but with just the trampling.
Just follow me on this. The spirit of two days after Christmas means a lot of things. It means telling yourself you're not going to drink as much as you did during the holidays, but then doing it anyway. It means depression eating less than ideal leftovers if only to bring back the dim memory of two days ago. Of course, it's not all about eating and drinking. There's just so much wrapped up in this untested idea of teaching someone the true meaning of two days after Christmas. And once I completely figure it out, I swear you'll be the first to know.
So, uh, let's take a look around here. Yeah, don't bother getting out of bed. Hmm, tree's still up. I guess on average that's pretty normal, so nothing to really teach you there. Oh wow, is that a 4K TV? Jeez, I wish I had one of those. Oh wait, maybe if--no, no. I don't think two days after Christmas has anything to do with greed. And besides, those things are getting so cheap these days. But are you still appreciating all of your presents some 48 hours later? Oh, they're all gift cards. And digital, too. Well Christ. Can't say I blame you. I know you can't choose your family, but your friends seem like real dicks, man.
Well, clearly you have a lot of thinking to do. Thinking about how you lost the two days after Christmas spirit. And when you know what it is, I need you to write it backwards in blood--YOUR blood--on that mirror over there so I can read it from the other side. It won't even take that much blood, and whenever we figure this out--even if it's in late March, as my projections predict--you'll fully understand the magic of December 27th and I might get to make this a regular gig. I'm haunting abandoned mental hospitals now and you would not believe the incredible losers they've got me working with.
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