(HELLO. I AM JOHN DELANEY AND I APPROVE OF MY MESSAGE THAT IS BELOW.)
America. Land of opportunity. Business land. The land of good people. Abe Lincoln's infamous big old melting pot. It is the land I call my home and it is the land in which we live.
But not everything is right in America. Business is too much. The government isn't helping. Big ideas are swirling around everywhere like tornadoes. Fascism, socialism, racism? Whatever those mean. How about a little something I like to call Americaism.
Hello my name is JOHN DELANEY and I am running to be the Next President of the United States. You probably haven't heard a lot about me because the elections have been rigged to keep me out of the debates and also off the news and not in any polls above 0%. It's a vast conspiracy to deny the Democratic nomination to the only person who can Beat Donald Trump.
Why else should I be the nominee? I have a lot of skills that prepare me for this job like no other.
I have outlasted Beto and Kamala and a bunch of these other jokers. They don't have what it takes: the ability to completely disconnect your mind and stare off into space for eight or nine hours a day. In those quiet moments when you are standing in the middle of your big house, arms at your side, thinking about nothing, well, that's when it happens.
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.