"Give me liberty or give me death!"
- Moments before falling out of a chair and breaking their neck while reaching across the kitchen table to trade for a friend's 'Death' Magic the Gathering card
"Ahhh my head is locked in a vice!
Ahhh it's crushing my skull! Ahhh
I can feel my brains squishing
through my face holes!"
- Moments before being shot to death by neighbor, who had been agitated by three straight days of the victim loudly practicing lines for a horror movie audition
"That should do it. The woodchipper
is all fixed! Start 'er up. I'll keep my
head in here to listen for problems."
- Moments before having a fatal heart attack induced by the excitement of a job well done
"Wait. Which bottle contains the fruit
punch and which one contains the
lethal poison that is identically
colored and flavored? I'll drink this one.
I'm like 51% sure it's the fruit punch."
- Moments before dying from having ingested a fatal amount of fruit punch
"This sign says 'Welcome to
Deathtropolis: You Will Die In Here'.
- Moments before driving backwards off a cliff while reversing away from Deathtropolis
"As a matter of fact, I have never
fought with a sword before. This
will be my first time. How hard can it be?"
- Moments before being crushed to death by the weight of an enormous trophy engraved with the words SWORDFIGHTING TOURNAMENT CHAMPION
"This is what... the sixth day in a
row with a record temperature?
I feel like I'm dying of heat stroke.
Sometimes I wish we had done
something about climate change."
- Moments before being executed by a Patriot Drone for the following charges (all stemming from speaking the above quote): Being Disrespectful, Hating America, Antifa Terrorism, Science, Extremist Socialism and Communism, Politicizing An Issue, Attempting To Tamper With The Profits Of Administration-Affiliated Businesses
"I'm going to die in a few moments."
- Decades before dying of old age in a monastery, having taken a vow of silence as penance for being so thoroughly wrong
Adam Silver updates the NBA rules about commenting on Necro Hell after the Necro King asked him to saw Daryl Morey in half with a rusty pendulum.
Last Friday I crept downstairs at 5 am as usual and made coffee, then turned on my PC only to realize I was standing in water. This was different than the computer sweat that usually pools beneath my desk.
Borderlands 3 and the latest batch of One Sentence Reviews!
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.