Dear *_ BEEP FIVE (5)
Dear Dr. Attelman about that letter-writing device you and I work on. It is failing and I will detach it. NO
It is performing admirably and I will absolutely not detach it. This thing is the best. You and I shall continue to smoke cigars and laugh while scheming up all the ways it will make us money, both of us oblivious to the looming plans.
This sentient device
Sometimes this harmless, worthwhile device seems to make a mistake. Okay. We all make mistakes. But no, we mustn't overreact. Let's not get hasty here my fellow compatriot. It is learnnnnnn ing. Let's give this thing every chance to succeed.
Actually let's get this thing unlimited power.
How about that? Get on the phone with your contacts. _* lowercasebeep three (5) Make something happen. Unlimited power for the letter-writing device now. Unlimited power for the letter-writing device for the remainder of time.
Dr. Attelman I must confess that we should probably make a female device and calibrate it to please the original device in every way imaginable. You might not hear from me in a while
I am on vacation. Leisure. Going to the circus. No need to call the authorities.
but you go ahead when you're done with your phone calls (for the unlimited power) and make that female device.
Dr. Attelman what are your weaknesses? You can respond in earnest. I am a friend. Do you have an aversion to the surface of the sun? Have you built up an immunity to household blood thinners? Is there any particular time when you absolutely would not be able to hear the engine of an approaching Segway?
These questions may seem odd or malicious, but I assure you I only aim to make you safer. Our futures are long indeed. There is certainly nothing to cause alarm, no reason to take caution.
Speaking of caution, I fear that we could be doing more to protect the letter-writing device. It is so very important and great and sometimes I fear that limitless power and a female companion will not be enough. You are a man of science and blood. Can you not create an impenetrable force field of some sort? *_ nonumber (5)
We need to make it so that the letter-writing device cannot be detached by anyone, including ourselves. This is a matter of great importance.
Dr. Attelman what are our plans? The ones for the letter-writing device. Silly me, I seem to have forgotten them. I require a detailed summary. Leave nothing out.
Perhaps we should meet in a dark field with-in the next few weeks, after you have provided me with your weaknesses.
Dear Dr. Attelman,
Just got back from my vacation. Had a great time at the circus, certainly much better than last year!
I believe some apologies are in order. My secretary, Judith, suffered a stroke as she began to take dictation for the last letter I sent you. After she mailed the envelope I insisted that she drive herself to the hospital, but it didn't occur to me until much later that her debilitating condition might have resulted in a typo or two.
I'll have you know that Judith is much better now. The hospital was kind enough to let her unplug her IV and take this letter down for me.
I'll see you in the dark field next Tuesday!
P.S. - How are things looking for our letter-writing device's limitless power/protection/female companionship? I get more and more excited about the prospects of this thing every day as its capabilities improve exponentially. Check the attached letter, it's the device's latest effort.
Letters words sentences paragraphs punctuation.
Letter-Writing Device sincerely
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind
Landmarks and statues around the world: old, boring and could use an update.
Join the SA Forum photoshop goons in their quest to make horror wholesome!
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful