Why I Love Michael Myers: An Essay

Michael Myers is pretty much the biggest badass ever. I am not exaggerating here. Anything a so-called tough guy did Michael Myers has done, and he probably put a shiv to five or six people in the process. If someone was walking too close behind Michael Myers he'd ram a longsword through his own chest so he could stab them without having to turn around. If Michael Myers could talk he'd tell you internal bleeding was for nerds.

Michael Myers is also better than other serial killers because he has scruples. Real scruples, not some phony "ethics" crap doctors and UN representatives have to subscribe to to make themselves feel important. Michael Myers' Wikipedia page is, like, twice as long as Richard Ramirez's. This is because Richard Ramirez was a dork who had to use guns to get his kicks. If Michael Myers ever used a gun it would be because he couldn't find any knives, and then he'd just beat you to death with it instead of shooting you. Guns are too easy. Michael Myers likes to work with his hands. That's why he's a lot like Jesus.

The thing about Michael Myers is that he could probably do just about any job in the world and be the best at it, but he doesn't concern himself with material wealth. Michael Myers is rich in spirit, and that's all that matters to him. If he wanted to he could hit home runs like Babe Ruth or cycle for days on end like Lance Armstrong. He's been caught on fire so many times he'd make a great fireman, but the only reason he would rush into a burning house would be if some coed was trapped in there and he wanted to hide six inches of steel in her neck before she burned to death. Michael Myers doesn't let the elements do his job for him. Like I said, he is a man of virtue.

He is also a man with a work ethic, and that's why he's so good at what he does (killing people). Michael Myers never watches television. I doubt he even knows what a television is. I guarantee you he's never come home from work and thought "I deserve a break, I'm not doing anything tonight" because his boss made him stay an extra hour. Michael Myers has one boss, and his name is Michael Myers. He doesn't punch a clock, he punches your face until his fist comes out the back of your head.

Another cool thing about Michael Myers is that he doesn't die. Certain people, who I will refer to as artless swine, tend to downplay this fact. They are living proof of what too many TLC programs can do to a person's brain. If Michael Myers busted into their house with a pitchfork they'd probably lisp something about it being "time to call Clinton and Kelly". If those sissies really want to know "what not to wear" I'll give them a hint: a sucking chest wound. It's hard to find a handbag to match the bloodstained farm implement sticking out of your lungs.

Because he can't die Michael Myers tends to survive a lot of things, like getting shot six times and falling out a window or being caught on fire. The artless swine I mentioned look at this as a bad thing, because he's always getting blown up and shot in every movie. Michael Myers may have been born in a sewer system from the ancient whispers of a Druid curse, but he's not invincible. When you get capped in the eye or karate-kicked out a third-story window, you need some downtime. It's a good thing that one of his hidden skills is "laying very still for a long time" or he might be in trouble, since the screws tend to keep a close eye on you when you're an invincible mass murderer and you have ants in your pants.

And besides, he's the best bad guy to come out of any horror movie in the last 20 years. I personally think a big dude with a knife is a lot scarier than, say, a little meowing boy with facepaint on or an undead girl who can crawl out of TVs and make deer run into your car. In case any of you haters still doubt me I have compiled a comprehensive list of the most popular horror villains of recent years. I am open to debate on this. If you wish to argue any of my points please visit me at 45 Lampkin Lane in Haddonfield, Illinois with a picture of Jamie Lee Curtis taped to your chest.

• Deer (The Ring II): Michael Myers is a better bad guy than deer because he is not a stupid rodent with sissy twigs sticking out of his head. If a deer came into my home at night I'd simply throw some salt on the floor and call the police while it was distracted. I could not spray urine on a bush to lure Michael Myers to my position, which is more than I could say about the average buck. If you can trick something into having sex with a tree it probably isn't all that scary. Advantage: Michael Myers
• A Haunted Video Game (Stay Alive): A haunted video game is about as scary as a hot stove, because as long as you don't mess with it it can't really hurt you. People who get killed by a haunted video games aren't really that compelling. They do the damage to themselves, much like suicidal teens or Holocaust victims, who were notoriously picky eaters. When my little brother was a kid he was terrified of the College Slam logo, so he hid it the game in the closet and hoped I wouldn't find it and chase him around the house with it until he peed his pants. That's as scary as a video game gets. On the other hand, I would probably pee my own pants if I saw Michael Myers. This makes me a passive victim, which is a much more interesting subject, and further proves my point that all horror films should be set in abused women's shelters. Advantage: Michael Myers
• Japanese Ghosts (Any American Horror Film Made After 1998): Unlike ghosts, who pretty much sit around and rattle chains all day, Michael Myers is fully capable of both touching you and murdering you. Unlike Japanese people, Michael Myers is not obsessed with being polite, nor is he terrified of Americans. He does not bow to you when he impositions you by repeatedly sticking pointy things in your face. He does not care about art or culture, and he doesn't go "boo" and hope you run into a wall or fall down a flight of stairs or something. He stabs you until you die. To me that's a lot scarier than some broad with her hair combed over her face. Advantage: Michael Myers
• A Bunch Of Gay Traps (The Saw Movies): Traps aren't scary because they never work. Back at my old school my roommate used to pee in those big Wendy's iced tea cups, then stack them in his closet. In protest I propped one of the cups on top of the door, hoping it would hit him on the head when he walked in the room. It didn't work like that. Instead, the cup fell into a pile of my clothes, and I paid a dude who lived down the hall $15 to throw them in a trash bag and carry the mess out to the dumpster. After that I stole a pack of my roommate's cigarettes and rubbed all 20 of them on that "mini crack" above my buttcrack after I went and played basketball. That trap didn't work either, because I forgot I did it and bummed one off him the next day. In closing, Michael Myers is scarier than a stupid trap and Jason Stull is a disgusting human being who needs to learn the difference between a cup and a toilet. Advantage: Michael Myers

I can only hope that, in writing this, I have helped raise a crucial point: Why Michael Myers is the biggest badass ever. He's suffered two fatal wounds for every one person he's killed, but he refuses to die. He's so calm, so austere, he was perfectly happy to give up the third installment of the "Halloween" series to Tommy Lee Wallace, who took the franchise to new levels with his story of evil druid bug masks killing children. After that he picked up the reigns and continued his craft, namely carving up big-breasted women and basically being an emotionless, badass killing robot with no remorse and even fewer lines.

God bless you, Michael Myers. God bless you wherever you are.

– Evan "Pantsfish" Wade