Pitfall!: The Movie

David Crane: the man, the legend, the football-shaped skull.

I hope you weren't terribly confused or bamboozled by the intricate plotline fueling "Pitfall!," as it undoubtedly took David Crane and a team of 100 New York Times Bestselling authors decades to write. This incredibly intricate storyline goes into detail, explaining Pitfall Harry's motives and innermost desires with a compelling backstory:

Picture this! You are deep in the recesses of a forbidden jungle--an unforgiving place few explorers ever survive. But you've got courage, because you're with Pitfall Harry, the world famous jungle explorer and fortune hunter extraordinaire. The lure of hidden treasure draws you and Harry deeper and deeper into the bush. But, being a great explorer, you wouldn't think of starting such a difficult journey without reading this manual first--very carefully.

Since you're encouraged so strongly to read the manual, which you have to be reading to see that selection, I have copied and pasted the most essential part to this primer:

To practice your skills, try running to the right. Learn to jump the rolling logs and the holes in the ground first, then tackle the tougher skills of swinging on the vine and jumping over the crocodile pits. Whenever Harry is lost, you'll get another chance to try the hazard again, since the "replacement" Harry appears on the left side of the screen.

On one hand, we have "Harry," a character motivated by his lust for treasure and desire to travel across 255 somewhat identical screens. On the other hand, we have the action of "running to the right." As an antagonist, Mother Nature tries to impede Harry's progress by throwing a truckload of deadly and somewhat inexplicable enemies at him. This conflict results in a true clash of the titans, a grizzled veteran treasure hunter duking it out with a deity who commands a limitless swam of violent creatures armed with up to three frames of animation. Will Harry be able to travel across all 255 similar jungle backdrops and pick up each bar of gold and inexplicably humongous diamond ring while avoiding the many, many scorpions and snakes that infest the flat plains of the jungle? I don't really have any goddamn clue, but I've run the idea of "Pitfall!: The Movie" past many industry insiders and they all claimed it sounded better than my other 1980s video game themed movies consisting of:

"Maze Craze: The Motion Picture" - "Maze Craze" was a remarkable game in the sense that not only did it include a maze, but it would make you crazed if you played it for 18 hours straight. Trust me, as a kid I played "Maze Craze" for nearly two solid days and look how the hell I turned out. Additionally, if you had the "Maze Craze" cartridge inside your Atari 2600 and it was on while you picked up the console and dropped it onto the floor from five feet, an entirely new maze would appear, although the maze wasn't exactly logical and didn't seem to abide by any real rules. I considered those to be "bonus mazes," like how every game these days comes with little mini-games you have to spend 100 million days trying to unlock because you're pathetic and pray for a crude, simplistic game to distract you in the middle of your crude, complex game.

"Food Fight: The Legend Continues" - People like food. People like to watch fights. Try combining the two and you've got a recipe for success! Well that's what I thought at least, it turns out our test audiences grew tired of some guy with a 500-pound head tossing tomatoes and bananas around a large, featureless, black room for two hours. We tried to hire Macaulay Culkin for the role of "Kid With Huge Head," but he was too busy being unemployed and on drugs to legibly sign our contracts. Additionally, we had some difficulties explaining the random holes which are drilled into the ground and consume chefs for no readily apparent reason. Our producer suggested something involving "men in black," but we're not racist so we didn't agree to that.

"Combat: The Eternal Struggle" - Two grizzled war veterans engage in a high stake, bloodthirsty competition to destroy each other while piloting bulky mono color tanks and oddly shaped planes. As each vehicle increases in size, their projectile attack increases proportionally, and their speed decreases inversely. While giant colored squares slowly float around the movie theater screen, the two challengers shout such thrilling catchphrases as "I'm gonna nail you SQUARE between the eyes!" and "this is GAME OVER for you!" The climax of the movie occurs when the sawtooth sound effect plays.

Although these ideas didn't really pan out well, I'm happy to explain that "Pitfall!: The Movie" is turning out to be a tremendous success. In Thursday's update, I'll cover the cast and crew behind this glorious production and revival of America's favorite 1980s game when it was some time in the 1980s at least. Until then, you'll have to wait in line and reserve your tickets in advance for this wonderful, awe-inspiring, exciting movie filled with action and adventure and mysterious white stains which probably aren't healthy for anybody involved. Thank god we have million-dollar computers that can replace the white stains with such cutting edge and high tech things like Jar Jar Binks' head.

Teaser by Knormal.

Lobsters are Rocks with Danger Arms

Guess who?

Nope.

Try again.

Last guess. Try harder

Sweet Jesus, you suck at this. It's Ryan "OMGWTFBBQ" Adams. What do I have to do, tattoo my last name on the back of your ass? Cause I'll do it, and then people will be asking you what "Adams" means when you have sex. And that my friends, will be an awkward moment, trust me.

Kangaroos (and certain other animals) will literally run themselves to death trying to escape a predator. They can die of stroke, heart failure or injure themselves fatally by hitting a wall. The dogs had apparently zeroed in on a joey who, being younger, couldn't keep up. They caught it and tore into it. The mother, trying to defend her baby, was also attacked and killed. They were found right next to each other.

Once we figured this out, we were totally pissed off. We called in extra security and posted them round the clock. We put one man on top of the Antelope House to act as a sentry as the others patrolled the grounds the next night. The man on the roof was to walk back and forth and radio in when he spotted anything suspicious. He wasn't armed since he was so high up, but the armed guards were in golf carts and they could be there within a minute.

That night everyone took there posts. The roos were still outside since they were all still frightened. We really didn't like this fact, but realized that it may serve as bait for these wild dogs.

It did.

Now that sounds like a sticky situation! If you’d like to hear the rest of the story, then click here! And if you do want an Adams tattoo on your ass, you're weird.

Freak.