Wow. What can I say. I just feel awful about all this. To think that my own actions could affect someone else in this way? Truly awful. Believe me, it's going to take a while to get over this. Weeks, perhaps months of self-care are the only way I'll ever be able to get back to normal. It'll be a long, arduous climb up the mountain known as "Binging Netflix Shows I Don't Even Like and Ordering Postmates," with little hope over the horizon. But, after the dust has settled, I hope you realize that everyone makes mistakes. And your biggest one was that you thought I meant to offend you.

Believe me, I understand how you feel. To a point. To think that someone you care about intended to offend you in some way? Personally, I'd never jump to such an incorrect conclusion that fast. It's something I've never done, and frankly it's difficult to muster up any empathy for you. But if I focus, and try to see things from the perspective of an extremely defensive person, I might be able to see how YOU could see how all of this is actually my fault. Among all the confusion of course. With so many random thoughts flitting around your mind, I almost understand why you would grab the one that's most convenient to your warped perspective. I feel sorry for you, but that's the only sorry I feel. Sorry.

Since I'm not exactly on trial here, I do have to ask why you chose to be offended when you could have reacted in any other way. Every day I experience constant affronts to my ego, and yet I choose to let them slide, though I should note that in all of these cases I have actually been wronged and am not misreading intent. Let's say I'm in a meeting and a woman tries to correct me, or I'm having a meal with friends and a woman wrongly assumes she knows more about certain movies than me. Do I want to cut off her head and scream into the bloody stump, "No Barbara, the villain is Die Hard is not named Hans GRUTER!" Naturally. Do I? No. I simply call her husband anonymously and imply she's cheating on him with several different men. Like any SANE person.

Have I made any mistakes in this long life of mine? Of course not. But if I did make a mistake, I'm sure it'd be a simple one like "forgetting to clean my fingerprints off of a doorknob" and not something so cynical as to believe the intent of my fellow man isn't pure and honest if that's what he insists. Say--and I'm just throwing this out there--you walk into a room and see a body with multiple stab wounds and a man holding a bloody knife. Just a hypothetical. If the man assures you the woman simply tripped and fell on the knife he was holding 32 times, would you be offended? Or, would you step back and think to yourself "Boy, if I was in this situation, I certainly hope someone would believe me!" And when the police--the brave men and women literally hired to professionally tell right from wrong--don't even believe you, you have to wonder about the sorry state of this country.

Again, this is NOT an apology. But, given that you were so offended, this is something we both need to get past together. I've decided to be the bigger person--will you? Sure, it's easy to push that button and release the chemical cocktail into my bloodstream that will eventually kill me. In fact, I'm sure plenty of people watching this from behind the mirrored glass would love for you to do just that. Ultimately it's up to you to live with the unforgivable sin of misunderstanding me. But again--not sorry.

– The Misunderstood

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2018 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.