The beginning of every year brings The State of the Union Address, a speech given by the sitting President for the sole reason of generating the numerous, inexplicable applause breaks our democracy needs to thrive. But not everything can fit into an hour that somehow feels like five. Thanks to our President accidentally uploading his speech to a public DropBox folder, we at Something Awful are proud to present everything that didn't make it into last night's event.

  • A 12-minute Stormy Daniels "cumpilation" set to Tina's Turner's "Simply the Best," played before Trump's entrance to "warm up the crowd."
  • 32 erroneous uses of the word "bodacious" to describe ISIL and "dangerous illegal immigrant street gangs."
  • A "tight five" on Steve Bannon's numerous vodka shits, including vivid descriptions of color, texture, and splatter radius.
  • 10 minutes of taunting to would-be assassins about how "I'm the least-assassinated President you'll ever meet," complete with rankings of formerly assassinated Presidents paired with descriptors like "loser" and "tremendous loser."
  • A solid 20 minutes where it's apparent the President thinks he's still campaigning against Hillary Clinton, but it's also 1988 for some reason.
  • 13 consecutive PowerPoint slides of President Trump having a blast in the seat of a big rig, with a formal plea to name March 23 "National Big Boy Day."
  • Following statements about the importance of a strong military, a demand that McDonald's "bring back The Angus Burger, which was fantastic, might I add." This would have been followed by an insistence that McDonald's "eliminate all salad meals, which are often placed in the bags of powerful men and make it too hard to get to the French fries."
  • A special appearance by President Trump's personal physician, with detailed information about how much he weighs on every known planet across several realities.
  • Professional basketball players dressed up as the letters J, O, B, and S rushing into the room for an impromptu slam dunk contest accompanied by C+C Music Factory.
  • A formal proposal that any President should be able to live in one of their several private resorts, far away from their wives, and that all decisions should be made by golfing, "especially the war ones."

– Totally TImely News

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