Philadelphia Eagles at Houston Texans

Pantsfish: “Hello, folks, this is Fox Football and today we’re here to watch TO-less Eagles as they battle the Texans, who don’t have TO either. TO was a great addition to TO’s team but eventually TO had to go because TO was causing too much trouble. The Eagles will miss TO and all the things TO brought to the team but TO was sent to Dallas, where TO can try to start with a clean TO slate. In the end TO will do what TO wants to do and TO TO TO TO.”

Flea: better watch out philly
the texans have mario williams and he might make a great defensive play
then you might only win by 93 points

Pantsfish: Besides Willams most people know the Texans by their “franchise” face, David Carr. Of course, Carr’s face is usually being ground into the turf by one of the opposing team’s multiple defenders, who love nothing more than to blow through the Texans’ O-line and do funny things with his spine. Especially popular is the one where they tap him in just the right spot on his back and he kind of goose-steps around the field and pukes all over himself. Expect David to spend a lot of time laying on his stomach and sobbing this season, both on and off the field.

PW Final Score: Eagles 35, Texans 3. With David “Pillowbiter” Carr at the helm you can rest assured the Texans aren’t scoring any touchdowns this game, and they’ll probably only get that field goal when someone on the Eagles gets confused and sends the ball through the wrong upright.

Seattle Seahawks at Detroit Lions

Flea: hey, joey harrington
just so you know you got replaced by john kitna
don’t talk with your mouth full of pistol, didn’t your mom teach you any manners

Pantsfish: I think, past all the tough talk, this game is more about diversity than competition: with John Kitna and Matt Hasselbeck on the same field, the number of white people in Detroit will effectively double. Throw in a couple referees and the number will jump exponentially. Sure, most of them will leave minus their wallets/sliver dollar-sized chunks of their bodies, but that’s the price we have to pay for understanding.

Flea: has michigan contributed to anything in the states outside of the homicide rate in the last 20 years
that’s a rhetorical question
i mean, i don’t know the answer either but if i find out i’ll give you a holla

PW Final Score: Seahawks 21, Lions 17. No real method to my madness here except Matt Hasselbeck is a crybaby fag and will probably get ejected for whining too loudly at a referee or something.

Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers

Pantsfish: The Chicago Bears are in constant pursuit of their amazing ‘85 season, when they beat the pants off the Patriots in the Super Bowl and immediately sank back into the bog of obscurity from which they came. While the Bears certainly have the obscurity part down this time around, the management forgot the second part of the equation: having a team that doesn’t suck. Somebody’s going to be in a shitload of trouble when that particular epiphany touches down.

Flea: some people say those “da bears” skits from SNL aren’t funny because the bears suck now
i say the same thing but for a different reason
chris farley was a stupid fat faggot

Pantsfish: On the other end of the ball we have Brett Favre and his beloved Packers. Favre, who hasn’t seen much spotlight since he was on the cover of that N64 football game you can buy at EB for like 28 cents now, is repaying the city that made him by being a tremendous douchebag to his fans and the NFL. I don’t think I’m in a position to call Favre “Peyton Manning but without the talent” yet, so I’ll just do my favorite impression of him and call it a night: WAAAAAHHHHHHHH

PW Final Score: Bears 14, Packers 13. This is one of the few hard-to-call games of opening week, but I have to pick the Bears and their defense over Brett “The Mummy” Favre and his ancient throwing arm, which very well may turn into a pile of beetles and dust if he gets sacked too hard.

Dallas Cowboys at Jacksonville Jaguars

Flea: byron leftwich versus drew bledsoe
the sissiest bitchfight in the history of the nfl
whoever wins, we lose

Pantsfish: Some people think Terrell Owens and Mike Vanderjagt are enough to carry the Cowboys to a Super Bowl. While I hate to put down a superbly well-reasoned theory like that, I feel I need to point out one thing: the Eagles have McNabb. The Colts have Manning. The Cowboys... well, the Cowboys have Bledsoe. If you’re going to compare those three you’d better be talking about who’s whiter.

Flea: that said i think the cowboys have this one in the bag
hahah, get it, that was a joke
jacksonville is america’s nutsack, tee-hee

PW Final Score: Cowboys 10, Jaguars 3. Yeah, I’m giving a lot of losing teams a three-point score, but have you ever seen Leftwich or Carr throw a complete pass, let alone a touchdown?

San Fransisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals

Pantsfish: “Alright, guys, let’s turn this ship around. We haven’t been a powerhouse team in a long time, but I think we can really turn things around this year. I got a secret weapon, man. I know how to turn that league on it’s fucking ear. You know what I’m talking about, baby. Yeah, that’s right: Alex Smith.”

Flea: i think alex is a good fit for san fransisco and its fans
for instance, he sucks a lot of dick
i guess that’s as far as the comparison goes but it makes a lot of sense if you think about it

Evan: We’re forgetting the Cardinals, though. That puts us in the same boat as every other person in the world, all of whom are in a constant process of forgetting the Cardinals. The club enjoyed a brief surge of interest when they signed Edgerrin James, but let’s not fool ourselves – almost every team in the league has a superstar running back, and they’re all interchangeable. Now that the Cardinals have caught up with the times they have other things to look forward to, such as losing a bunch of games while paying “The Edge” about twice as much money as he’s worth. At least the heatstroke is nice in Arizona this time of year!

PW Final Score: 49ers 0, Cardinals 2. The game would be a draw but you just know someone’s going to break Alex Smith’s neck in the endzone for being so fucking gay. We are dealing with Arizonians, after all. They’d tie him to a truck bumper and drag him around the field if they thought they could get away with it.

Indianapolis Colts at New York Giants

Pantsfish: This game could prove to be the best parenting moment of Archie Manning’s life. Why? No matter which team wins, he’ll get to turn to his son and say “you’re a disappointment and I hate you”. I don’t know about you but I’d kill for a situation where I was guaranteed an opportunity to call one of my sons a worthless loser faggot.

Flea: the giants are an up and coming powerhouse
eli manning’s going to be good and tiki barber will continue to develop into a beautiful young woman
you have to admire her tenacity and strength

Pantsfish: All that aside I think this Manning vs. Manning shit is overplayed. If you want to know the real struggle in this game you need look no further than Jeff Saturday and his eternal search for the perfect sub sandwich, a conflict so complex Hemingway couldn’t do it justice. Jeff, if you’re reading this: I hope you find your sandwich, buddy. I truly do. Also I hope you send me some of it because I’m really hungry.

PW Final Score: Colts 35, Giants 21. The QB game will be played by second-stringers when some wiseass shouts “It’s a playoff game”, sending both Mannings into shock.

Minnesota Vikings at Washington Redskins

Flea: yup, just another day in minnesota
i lead a life of mystery and wonder
now i get to see my favorite team kick off against the washington redskins
i wonder what somalia is like this time of year

Pantsfish: The second, and final, contest in our Games Nobody Gives a Shit About series, ‘Skins vs. Vikings is proof positive the league could trim about 25% of its teams and absolutely nothing would change. Are you interested in this game? Do you know anyone who might remotely care about it? Does that person spend his days with a paper bag full of spray paint stuck to his nose? I’m not sure what my point is here but I think I just proved it.

Flea: somewhere in this dark minnesota night a sly, sullen man is crying
his wrinkled hands are clenched to his weathered face, his knees stained with grass and blood
he screams at the night sky, but still randy will not come back
he wonders how many percocet his stomach can physically contain

PW Final Score: Vikings 10, Redskins 24. Again, this is a blind guess, since the sudden, violent slumber I fall into when I think about the Vikings or the Redskins is inconvenient and damaging to my keyboaras-9nidasduioasndad-0j

San Diego Chargers at Oakland Raiders

Pantsfish: Fuck what anyone else says, this is the game. Are you not hearing me, people? Do you not understand? Jeff George will probably be playing. Jeff Fucking George. Jeff Headbanging Animal Monster Football God George. Yeah, you know it: the same Jeff George who wasn’t good enough to play QB for the pre-Manning Colts. You know why? He was too fucking badass. Who cares if he hasn’t played football in six years and his last game was like a 30-point loss where he threw two or three interceptions? He’s Jeff George.

Edit: Remember what I said about the Big Ben thing? This, too. Why would they want to cut Jeff George :(

Flea: i just remembered that “perfect strangers” joke i was talking about a few games ago
balki was really good at picking football scores and he said “you can keep charging and charging but you always have to pay the bill”
thinking about this game made me realize how much i miss “perfect strangers”


PW Final Score: Chargers 35, Raiders 13. This Raiders segment was written in honor of Jason Whitlock, who was found stuffed with tin foil inside a giant microwave. Jason, we can’t say we’ll miss you, but we sure got a laugh when we opened that fucker up and saw you with all that smoke coming out of your eyes. Billy said something like “waiter, my fatass mignon is burned” and we laughed for like ten minutes. Guess you had to be there.

You can email Evan “Pantsfish” Wade right here if you want to. He wants you all to know the other features (fake news, Crybaby Bitch of the Week) will come back next time, and that he’d give you all little butterfly kisses if you’d just get rid of that goddamn restraining order. Seriously, shoving a cat’s head in someone’s tailpipe is a sign of respect in some countries, you fucking pansy.

– Evan "Pantsfish" Wade

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