(In the field where a patch introduction is normally typed there is only a string of random characters, as if some sort of bird had flapped and pranced across the keyboard)

  • Changed the title to GOOSE: Goose
  • Added cheat code "InfiniteGoose" use it for infinite goose okay
  • Changed the title to What A Fantastic Goose
  • Made goose invulnerable
  • Changed the title to Thank You Goose, For Everything
  • Added a post-game sequence where the goose stands atop a winner's podium with a crown on its majestic head as confetti flutters
  • Changed the title to All Proceeds Go To Goose
  • Reworked controls to improve accessibility options, making it possible for the game to be played by geese
  • Changed the title to Honk Honkhonkhonk!
  • Added a new default camera angle that's zoomed in REAL close so you can only see the goose's face
  • Fixed a bug in which the words "Nice one, Goose" weren't constantly flashing across the screen
  • Added a new difficulty setting in which all humans are even dumber and uglier
  • Discovered the goose who made all of the above changes and chased it out of the studio. Now I am standing outside the locked door and arrogantly brushing my hands against one another to demonstrate that the nuisance has been dealt with. Wait, where's my security badge?


Untitled Goose Game
While writing an uncharacteristically insightful review here, something snuck up behind me and bumped my elbow which caused it to be deleted. 10/10

The Surge 2
Sure, I was as happy as anyone when the soda came back for a second run, but they didn't need to make a game about it. 7/10

The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening
Let's go back to the announcement of Wind Waker and show all the angry dudes that in 2019 Link is canonically a cutie pie with cheeks we all want to pinch. 9/10

Star Wars: Jedi Knight II - Jedi Outcast
Being able to play such a stone cold classic PC game on the Switch is fantastic, only slightly let down by the absence of g_SaberRealisticCombat. 8/10

Code Vein
The world is anime vampire, set to inane. 5/10

Contra: Rogue Corps
It's a Contra game where your gun overheats and you have to wait for it to cool down, which is a bit like a Mario game in which the controller sprays mace directly into your eyes and nose and genital hole. 2/10

– Dennis "Corin Tucker's Stalker" Farrell (@DennisFarrell)

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