Retronauts is an institution, an endlessly approachable source of insight about classic video games. The hosts are lovely people. As you know, Bob Mackey writes here at Something Awful. He and Jeremy Parish both toiled away as my editors back when gaming websites were actually willing to pay me. I have all the respect in the world for both of these fantastic people, but they are rubes and their hard-earned success should be mine.
It's about time I got in on this sweet retro gaming racket.
This is my first great work as the world's foremost classic gaming expert. It's THE definitive timeline of video game consoles, complete with fascinating commentary revealing how each platform advanced gaming as a whole.
The very first console, with hardware nearly 2x as powerful as any previous console.
Introduced the concept of a button, revolutionizing the way gamers played button-based games.
Nearly 50% more wood paneling than the 2600.
Greatly enhanced graphical performance as a result of moving all wood paneling inside the system.
The first system in history to come in a bundle. The pack-in was not a game, but an uncovered bowl of tapioca pudding.
Pushed the envelope by becoming a system for "mature" audiences, mandating that all games on the platform had to contain words like $&*%! and @^#@!.
Packs an astounding twenty six additional hundreds into the 5200 model released just two years earlier, a bold and wise move later replicated with the PS4 Pro and Xbox Scorpio.
The first console sold in a box rather than a loose item wrapped in newspaper.
Its dedicated graphics chip would have been revolutionary if designers hadn't pointed the hardware at a non-existing function by misspelling it "grafx".
Two words: Blast Attitude.
Priced at $640 with games running $200 each, the Neo-Geo was the first console aimed at anthropomorhised piles of money.
Included a mysterious Mode 7, rumored to nullify Modes 1-6 through any means necessary.
The first console to display color.
Boasted more Marty per pound than any system on the market.
A groundbreaking system with hardware design modeled after an actual animal, the Atari Chipmunk.
Introduced "games", pieces of entertainment software that could be played on a console.
Used cd-roms with black coating to trick us all into thinking discs were rad. This basically ruined consoles for the next twenty three years.
The second system in history to come bundled with an uncovered bowl of tapioca pudding.
Debut of the Rumble Pak, an accessory that allowed the system itself to shake wildly until it its power and AV cables popped out.
The first console with a power button.
Created backwards compatability, which is defined as, "something you get yelled at for caring about today".
Pioneered the concept of a console that looks great, a decision which has not been revisited by anyone in the years since.
A bold experiment in scale. The console itself was engineered to be precisely large enough to support a standard chair, turned around, with J Allard resting his forearms on the back as he raps with you.
The first console powerful enough to provide unfettered access to Velocity Girl's designs.
A 1:1 remake of the original PlayStation priced to compete with the Neo-Geo.
Introduced motion controls, allowing gamers to flail around in a hopeless attempt to dodge the Kinect and Move.
Actually, I'm pretty sure this was just a new controller for the Wii. Sorry. Don't know how it got on this list.
The first system to feature a certain plucky plumber, Mario.
A feat of modern engineering, precisely designed to contain more mistakes than any console in history.
No one knows what this mythical machine does, but if anyone gets ahold of one before the planet is consumed by nuclear fire we'll update this page to let you know.
In these contentious political times it is more important than ever to work together in a bipartisan way with the people who said I should be thrown out of a helicopter for being an Antifa terrorist.
This Halloween, log off and visit your friends at the local Halloween Superstore.
Better than expected, and absolute garbage
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