Valve was once the Willy Wonka's chocolate factory of video games, as enormously successful as they were innovative and surprising. Now the only thing they create is crushed laurels. Because they rest on them.
Look, I'm not entirely clear on what laurels are.
+ It's got all those games you bought when Steam was good.
- There are too many games. By that I don't mean, "There are too many cool, creative titles from small teams". I mean, "I can't find those cool, creative titles in this sea of asset flips, zero-effort trash hiding behind anime boob thumbnails, and literal hate speech."
Epic Games Store
The first real challenger to Steam isn't a storefront that shakes things up by providing customers with a better experience. It comes from a company with infinite money shoving an inferior product down everyone's throats and buying exclusives. That's capitalism, baby!
If you haven't been paying attention, capitalism sucks shit.
+ When you go to launch a game, a looping full-page animation no longer runs in the background.
- "What the heck is a shopping cart? We just don't know." - Epic
Sometimes you buy a PC game during a Humble Bundle sale and wonder where the heck your Steam key is. That's when you're reminded that Uplay continues to exist.
+ Ubisoft's Uplay Coins are actually called Uplay Units, and I find that delightful. You can use your Ubisoft Uplay Units to purchase... wallpapers?
- It contains the original Watch_Dogs.
Once upon a time, GOG was dedicated to making old games available and playable on modern computers. Now they are dedicated to... making transphobic comments available on social media? I dunno. They have a GOG Galaxy 2.0 client in the works that promises to consolidate all of your games from all of your accounts in one launcher. That sounds nice!
+ GOG is a heck of a lot of fun to say out loud.
- Every time I look at my library I remember that I still haven't finished Quest for Glory.
If you want to play The Sims or Battlefront, you'll wind up here. And honestly? The client isn't too shabby.
+ EA no longer charges a fee to download games you purchased 6+ months ago.
- You should be able to buy all the DLC for Mass Effect 1-3 and Dragon Age: Origins on Origin instead of digging around BioWare's haunted points shop.
This is the one where Lowtax makes me play Hearthstone.
+ Lowtax bought me Hearthstone cards.
- When I try to play Hearthstone I turn into an even bigger incompetent idiot than I already am.
BLACK LIVES MATTER!!! NOOOOOOO!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU HAVE CREATED A MONSTER, AN ABSOLUTE MONSTER!
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
Play your entire PS1 library from a single SD card. But not your Brady Strategy Guides.
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