What's That Mystery Port On the Xbox Series X?
Option A - It's the digital exhaust, where all the extra bytes get blown out.
Option B - Remember the mystery port on the bottom of the SNES? The Xbox Series X mystery port lines up with that one perfectly, allowing the two systems to "scissor" one another.
Option C - It's the digital intake, where the power of the cloud is absorbed from the atmosphere.
Option D - Win enough games and this is where the tickets come out.
Option E - A convenient storage shelf for your favorite MiniDisc.
Patch Notes: Warcraft 3 Reforged
Here at Blizzard we're dedicated to fucking up. This whole operation is in a BioWare-like death spiral, and we're grabbing the throttle to point our nose at the pointiest spot on the ground. The launch of Warcraft 3 Reforged was a tremendous disaster. But we could have done even more to make it apparent this isn't the Blizzard you once cared about, so we updated the game with the following changes.
- Made all textures worse
- Made all models worse
- Made all animations worse
- Made the menu worse by running it in a laggy web browser instance
- Owners of regular old Warcraft 3 were forced to "upgrade" to the Reforged client so the game they paid for is no longer playable. That was terrible. Not terrible enough. We're implementing an exciting feature that infects computers worldwide, turning ALL video games into Warcraft 3 Reforged.
Why Isn't Sony Ready to Unveil the PS5?
The following was posted on Sony's official PlayStation 5 website:
"We've begun to share some of the incredible features you can expect from PlayStation 5, but we're not quite ready to fully unveil the next generation of PlayStation."
So what's holding them back? My sources tell me it's one of three things.
1. Sony is still scrambling to slap together a case after finding out that the Xbox Series X used their first design. There are two leading candidates. One is a log cabin made of popsicle sticks. The other is a paper mache volcano that erupts when you pour in a special baking soda mixture.
2. They're trying to fit as many battery-draining lights on the controller as possible. These lights are new and improved, with a new Never Shut Off, Even When The Console Is Off feature.
3. Last-minute scrambling to implement an SNES-compatible mystery port.
BLACK LIVES MATTER!!! NOOOOOOO!!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU HAVE CREATED A MONSTER, AN ABSOLUTE MONSTER!
Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.
Yes, there are finally enough games for a new round of One Sentence Reviews
Play your entire PS1 library from a single SD card. But not your Brady Strategy Guides.
The cutting edge of video game articles.