"God answers knee mail," announced a church billboard I spotted this morning. Cute slogan, but the Spiritual Science Research Foundation will have you know that kneeling is not a statistically significant component of prayer effectiveness. By contrast, the site reveals "using the recommended posture for prayer helps to improve the chances of one's prayer being answered by 20 percent." How did the researchers arrive at that figure? The site isn't especially clear on that, but it does present diagrams and tables, so I'm sure the findings are based on sound empirical data.
If you use the improper "Red X" techniques, up to 80 percent of your prayers will be misdirected to either Hell (fig A) or Bloomington, Indiana (fig B).
Failure to form a "protective sheath" by keeping hands clamped together during prayer might result in God's sacred blue oil flowing directly from His heavenly funnel into your unworthy veins. This transfusion caused death in 10 percent of studied cases.
You Will Read This Headline. Then You'll Laugh. Then You'll Realize You Were Wrong All Along.
'We’re going to be in trouble!' Little Sister wailed, clutching her favorite book to her chest and sobbing. 'This isn’t fun like a story anymore!' But Big Sister was not listening, she was thinking. She grabbed Little Sister’s book from her and ran into town, yelling 'Help! A book made me and my sister hurt someone!'
Awful Links of the Day spotlights the worst and weirdest websites on the internet. And we're not talking "weird" in a good way either.