Pastor G. Ezekiel BeauregardWords of Instruction

"First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

-Armaments 2:21


Barack Hussein Obama better "hope" God forgives him for being a liberal atheist communist because once he dies in his sins, it'll be too late to "change" his wicked ways!

Any Christian who votes for this mooslim flim-flam artist deserves to be exposed as the apostate they are and stoned to death. Hallelujah! Hate to break it to you here liberals, but Jesus was a conservative capitalist. All that stuff in the Bible about helping the poor and it being easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to get into heaven were just tests of faith much like dinosaur bones, DNA evidence linking us to a common ancestor that lived in Africa 500,000 years ago, carbon dating and pretty much every other major scientific discovery of my life time. Believe it!

This is why I worship the God of the Bible and preach His Holy Word: any God that writes a book saying he doesn't want any of us to go to hell, instruct us to take it literally or else we'll go to hell and then plants millions of examples of things that directly contradict the things in that book so as to trick people into not worshiping him just to have an excuse to send people to hell is way too hardcore to not worship. In fact, I fear for my very life every time I think of God.

I love Him, my heavenly father, in much the same way I loved my earthly father who, when I was but a child, used to beat me into unconsciousness with a belt both for not fetching fire wood before he had to tell me because he didn't like lazy good-for-nothings and for fetching the firewood before he had to tell me because he didn't want any smart-asses second guessing him.

RIP daddy. I know you're up in heaven now, watching me and whupping any sass-mouthed angels who are making too much noise while you're trying to watch Gunsmoke. Glory to Jesus, Amen!

More AwfulVision

This Week on Something Awful...

About This Column

As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.