Paster G. Ezekiel BeauregardWords of Love and Desire
Unnnnhhhh... oh yeahhh, put it... put it in my ass. Put it in m-NNNNNGGGGGHHH. Oh yeah, ohhh yeah. Ohh SHIT! I'm gonna... I'm gonna... I'm.. I'm cumming. Oh FUCK. Oh my fucking GODDD I'M CUMMINGGGGG!
-Song of Songs 4:5
Madam, I don't know where you're from (my guess is either MassaJEWsetts, JEW York, or some other liberal atheist stronghold who's name it is easy to work the word Jew into) but in Fosterburg, SC we don't take to women acting like this! No sir!
Wake up, America! We need to cast this secular humanism that calls for equal rights for women and equal pay for women and the right to speak in public without fear of a back-hand to the kisser for women right back to the pits of hell where it belongs!
We need to return to our Christian roots as a nation! Specifically our Christian roots circa-1750 when only white men could own property and "women's rights" consisted of the right to get smacked in the face for being a harping nag! Also, we need to return to the roots when ":witnessing to minorities" meant sending "Small Pox-infested blankets to Injuns". Wait, are there even Injuns anymore or are they extinct? Well, I guess we got a lot of those dot-head Injuns now, so I guess that'd work. They ain't the woo-woo-woo, "me like-um firewater" Injuns but they'll do in a pinch.
I suppose this is the last GodTube video I will review in this computer article. I have to get busy on my sermon for this Wednesday and looking at this computer screen is giving me a headache something fierce. Thanks to all the good Christian men and women who sent this videos in to be reviewed. By exposing that GodTube is yet more liberal, atheist filth in the vein of SpongeBob SquarePants and the Teletubbies, you've confirmed the persecution complex that unites us all as Christians.
AwfulVision will be returning to it's regular format next week, so be sure to send your videos in to Seth "Occupy Japan" Bailey and while you're at it, pray for his soul as he needs all the help he can to fend off the fires of Hell.
Thank you for reading, and have a blessed day in Christ!
G. Ezekiel Beauregard is the pastor of the Preston Valley Faith Hope Evangelical Southern Baptist Church of God in Christ and Spirit in Fosterburg, South Carolina and contributing columnist to the Fosterburg Patriot. His column, "They don't call it RIGHT Wing for nothin'!" can be seen every Saturday and Tuesday. Pastor Beauregard invites all of our readers to join him in worshiping our Lord Jesus Christ every Wednesday and Sunday at the Preston Valley Faith Hope Evangelical Southern Baptist Church of God in Christ and Spirit. Take US-29 to Robert E. Lee Blvd, turn right and follow the road for a couple of miles to find our church. New members (other than blacks, gays and Mexicans) welcome! Donations encouraged!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!