Pastor G. Ezekiel BeauregardWords of Mercy and Compassion
Don't eat shrimp, don't wear blended fabrics, don't fuck a bitch on her period (that shits sick), don't be gay, don't jack off, don't pull out, no anal, no oral, slaves are cool though; stone your kids to death if they're being moody little bitches, if a woman is raped it's her fault (kill her), and rape/kill/pillage everyone that doesn't agree with you and be sure to vote a straight Republican ticket for I, the LORD thy God am all-merciful *kills a shitload of newborn babies* (btw don't do this even though i just did lol)
-The Old Testament, Abridged
Ah, this delightful video is a welcome break from the usual hell-bound, demonic garbage I've been reviewing!
What a silly dog! What is he doing up there? Haha. Oh, dear, this is too much! It reminds me of a time when, for an April Fools sermon, I let my prize coon dog Roscoe "preach" in my stead as a joke! I even had a tiny suit made for him and spent nearly a month teaching him to bark on command! Oh, the congregation thought it was truly a delight!
Later that night, I shot Roscoe in the head with my 12 gauge shotgun and threw his body into the creek by my house for I shall not have any animal, whom the Lord God gives us dominion over, reducing my pulpit to a mockery. Rot in hell, Roscoe you blasphemer and may even the maggots not deign to feast upon your bloated, wicked carcass but thank you for the laughs prior in the day!
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Today's viral teen news beat, brought to you by Mike from the Internet!
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
Doing some reps on the water bottle huh. I prefer bench press myself. Just kidding - stay hydrated.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!