Pastor G. Ezekiel BeauregardWords of Mercy and Compassion
Don't eat shrimp, don't wear blended fabrics, don't fuck a bitch on her period (that shits sick), don't be gay, don't jack off, don't pull out, no anal, no oral, slaves are cool though; stone your kids to death if they're being moody little bitches, if a woman is raped it's her fault (kill her), and rape/kill/pillage everyone that doesn't agree with you and be sure to vote a straight Republican ticket for I, the LORD thy God am all-merciful *kills a shitload of newborn babies* (btw don't do this even though i just did lol)
-The Old Testament, Abridged
Ah, this delightful video is a welcome break from the usual hell-bound, demonic garbage I've been reviewing!
What a silly dog! What is he doing up there? Haha. Oh, dear, this is too much! It reminds me of a time when, for an April Fools sermon, I let my prize coon dog Roscoe "preach" in my stead as a joke! I even had a tiny suit made for him and spent nearly a month teaching him to bark on command! Oh, the congregation thought it was truly a delight!
Later that night, I shot Roscoe in the head with my 12 gauge shotgun and threw his body into the creek by my house for I shall not have any animal, whom the Lord God gives us dominion over, reducing my pulpit to a mockery. Rot in hell, Roscoe you blasphemer and may even the maggots not deign to feast upon your bloated, wicked carcass but thank you for the laughs prior in the day!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!