Pastor G. Ezekiel BeauregardWords of Mercy and Compassion

Don't eat shrimp, don't wear blended fabrics, don't fuck a bitch on her period (that shits sick), don't be gay, don't jack off, don't pull out, no anal, no oral, slaves are cool though; stone your kids to death if they're being moody little bitches, if a woman is raped it's her fault (kill her), and rape/kill/pillage everyone that doesn't agree with you and be sure to vote a straight Republican ticket for I, the LORD thy God am all-merciful *kills a shitload of newborn babies* (btw don't do this even though i just did lol)

-The Old Testament, Abridged


Ah, this delightful video is a welcome break from the usual hell-bound, demonic garbage I've been reviewing!

What a silly dog! What is he doing up there? Haha. Oh, dear, this is too much! It reminds me of a time when, for an April Fools sermon, I let my prize coon dog Roscoe "preach" in my stead as a joke! I even had a tiny suit made for him and spent nearly a month teaching him to bark on command! Oh, the congregation thought it was truly a delight!

Later that night, I shot Roscoe in the head with my 12 gauge shotgun and threw his body into the creek by my house for I shall not have any animal, whom the Lord God gives us dominion over, reducing my pulpit to a mockery. Rot in hell, Roscoe you blasphemer and may even the maggots not deign to feast upon your bloated, wicked carcass but thank you for the laughs prior in the day!

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