I work at a pizza place. Had a call one night, and went through their order and asked if they needed anything else. This is what I heard:
Woman: "Yeah, do you have cheesesticks?"
Woman: "Now, do those have cheese on them?"
I don't think I laughed on the phone, but then, I'm not too sure.
I work for a cab company, we deal with the stupidest of the stupid. One day I aswer the phone:
Woman: "I'd like a taxi"
Me: "Where do you need the cab?"
Woman "At my home."
Me: "Where is your home?"
Woman: "I don't give out my address."
Lady: Excuse me, but I have a problem.
Me: Whats up?
Lady: I think this sour cream is bad.
Me: How so?
Lady: It tastes really sour.
Me: Um... wait, uh.... *ahem* What, what just happened there?
Lady: Well I, um... oh.
God, I fucking hate people.
I remember my days as a pet shop worker a few years back. Everyday, you would run into one customer whose level of retardation was beyond comprehension. Like the time some woman called, and wanted to ask if we had a certain type of pet food:
Customer: Hi, I want to know what kind of hamster food you guys have. I'm looking for one type, but I don't know what it's called.
Me: (sums up what kind of hamster food we carry)
Customer: I'm still not sure.
Me: Okay, what does the food look like? What's in it?
Customer: I don't know. My daughter feeds the hamster, not me.
Me: What did the package look like?
Customer: Oh! It had a hamster on it.
That's going to do it for this week's Goldmine. Tune in next week, when I'll be posting a sound file of a veteran newsman performing gangster rap. You won't want to miss that!
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.