In these tough economic times, bee guns and Photoshops of babies don't fetch top dollar like they used to, so forums hero BaconBits has fallen into dire straits. Recently he described his harrowing plight to the SA Goons:

I'm going to Notre Dame this spring and I've been thinking about starting my own diet and lifestyle plan. My budget is razor thin and I need cheap food if I am to get good grades and make new friends. I've been looking at ramen, rice, dried pasta, vitamin supplements, etc. I made a quick table to show how many calories I can get from a bunch of different products for exactly 1 dollar.

Ramen: 537
Rice: 430
Dried Pasta: 800
Beneful Healthy Radiance: (this is for a 31 lb bag) 2046
Vitamin Supplements: NA
Tuna: 120

Please realize that I need nutrition and care about taste, but I need to be extra aware of the price.

Dried pasta is preferable to ramen simply because it has a better cost value and it tastes pretty good with plain butter. The Beneful has most of what my body needs so I could buy 1 bag every 2 weeks. The tuna has massive amounts of protein so that makes up for the cost. An eighth of skunk vitamins goes for about 20$ on campus. Flavored sugar packets can make about 25 beverages for a dollar and the water is free because of water rations.

Instead of toothpaste I'll use baking soda. And instead of toothbrush I'll use spoon. I'll buy a sponge and scrub myself down in the shower without using any soap.

To save on floor cleaner I'll pee sitting down. I don't have to wash my hands because I don't touch anything.

I won't have to buy moisturizer because Beneful gives me smoother skin.

Advice would be helpful. tyia

Many people took his situation quite seriously, even after he made follow-up suggestions such as "I can eat that stuff inside glowsticks and poop all over the house to save on lightbulbs." However, angerbutt remained unconcerned - and unamused. He issued an ultimatum: "Eat the dog food on video or be banned." Destitute and down for anything, BaconBits responded simply "Hell yeah."

Everdraed made this video to summarize the bizarre events that followed; I'm presenting it here movie-trailer-style:

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.