wolffenstein: as of this writing, i work at officemax store 604 in eagan, minnesota for just one more week. i've worked there since march, and i have great memories of working there. i don't hate any of my fellow associates, and most of the times, customers are very courteous and understanding. just like everyone else, there were some unpleasant moments.
my second day of working there back in march. customer wants to return an opened box of norton antivirus 2002 simply because he wants the money to get norton antivirus 2003 when it comes out. hands over a sliced-in-half box (literally) with the upc cut out and a receipt dated over six months from the date this happened. "sir, due to company policy, i cannot return this." "WHAT!?" "there are many reasons why i cannot return it, sir. the upc identification label has clearly been removed, the software has been opened, and your receipt is dated six months ago." "SO!" "so, sir, i cannot scan the product since the upc label is gone, i would break corporate policy if i returned opened software, and the register would deny you a return since it has been more than fourteen days since the date of purchase." "what the fuck! this is bullshit! get your manager!" both managers on duty come over and back me up. "you corporations just take hard earned money away from the individual, and the government lets them get away with it!" "you had the choice to shop here, sir. officemax has very little media advertising and influence from the government. try another officemax anywhere in this state or even the entire nation, and they'll give you the same exact reasons i have given you today." customer takes his stuff, stares at me wide-eyed, i stare at him with utter calmness on my face, and as he storms out the store, he slams into the sliding door. second the door behind him closes, we just laughed until we cried.
Rappup: I used to work in a CD store, and everyday there were these little bitch ass Junior High kids.
JH Kid: Hey man, where do you keep the incubus cds?
Me: I have some right behind the counter, do you want one?
JK: No, I wanna know where they are
M: On that rack over there
JK: Ok thanks
M: Hey, leave your backpack at the door, k?
JK: Why? Don't you trust me?
M: No. Leave it at the door or you have to leave
JK: Fuck you! I do what i want!
M: Leave it at the door or get outta here!
JK: Fine fine.
M: That's better
He walks back to the rack to get his shitty CDs and i watch him because i was really suspicious of him
JK: Hey, quit lookin at me asshole
M: I'm just makin sure you don't steal anything
JK: FUCK YOU! I never stole anything asshole!
M: and im gonna make sure you don't
JK: FUCK YOU! IM LEAVING!
I think its all over, but then he comes back with his biker white trash dad
JK Dad: Hey asshole! I hear you were harassing my son!
M: Sir, im just doin my job!
JKD: Well do it better!
Then he goes outside and I notice his son laughing, with a fucking CD he didn't pay for.
So i call security and come up to the kid and his dad and ask them to empty their pockets. The kid pulls out 4 of the same cds, with the alarms crudely ripped off of them. The dad takes a swing at the security guard and another SG tackles him. They call the cops and they cops take the kid and his dad away. It turns out the dad had heroin on him and the kid had pot. I said "Have a nice day!" as they were dragged into the squad car.
TWiNKiE: Around 1996, I worked at the information desk at Twelve Oaks Mall in Novi, MI. (At the time, it was one of the 5 most revenue generating malls in the country). Anyway, most people didn't know what to make of me. The information staff consisted of seven short ladies between 55 and 80, and me...6'1", 19, and generally intimidating.
Most of the time, my exchanges with customers were like this:
Unbelievably Fat Lady: "Where is Lane Bryant?"
Me: "Ma'am, we've never had a Lane Bryant store."
UFL: "I was JUST THERE a week ago!"
Me: "I don't mean to disagree with you, but that's impossible. Perhaps you were at a different mall?"
UFL: "No! It was here!"
Me: "Well, I guess it closed then."
UFL: "(random insults about my competence)"
Me: "May I suggest K-Mart across the street? I believe they sell tents that might fit you."
Talpacc: remember having a lady who wanted to return her PDA about three months ago. I check her receipt, and it's well within the 30 day (if I remember correctly) return policy. So I open it up to check it out and notice that the screen is cracked. Now, usually I still take these back as long as there's no sign of impact damage as sometimes the heat/cold can do that to a PDA screen. But it looked like this lady had chucked the thing at a fucking wall, judging from the very large dent in the side of the PDA.
So I inform her that we cannot take it back because it was abused. She starts ranting and raving and grabs it out of my hand and starts messing with it to show me it doesn't work anymore. Convo goes as follows:
Me: I realize that it doesn't work man, but it has been dropped and therefore abused...
C: NO! NO! I NEVER DROPPED IT!
Me: Ma'am, there's a very large dent on the...
At this point, she had been fumbling around with the thing and then does the most incredible thing. SHE DROPS IT. Right there in front of me. It all happens in slow motion. The PDA falls in front of the counter where I can no longer trace its descent, but I hear the sickening crack as it impacts with the hard tile floor. She stares at me, and I stare at her. After about a second or two, I say "See?".
She picks it up, throws it back in the box and storms away.
FluKe_: One of the craziest women to ever walk into our showroom(I sell at the local nissan dealership) came in a few weeks ago, she's 73 years old and carries her tiny little dog around with her at all times. This women I shit you not referred to herself and her dog in the third person the entire time I was with them. So anyway I go up to greet her (I love old people, easy sales), start asking her questions and showing her cars. Eventually she lands herself on 2000 buick from our used lot.
So as we leave the dealership on the test drive I start to notice her dog fluffy has some kind of intestinalbowelstomach problem or something that causes it to fart constantly, like every few minutes it would just rip a giant one. I began to wonder wtf she was feeding this dog because it was becoming unbearable. To make matters worse the entire time we are riding around the block she keeps asking her dog how he likes the car, then agrees with or refutes the dogs supposed answer.
I suppose the dog liked the car because she ended up writing a check for it and leaving, never to be seen again... or so I thought. The very next day she arrives, new buick and fluffy in hand, "Tyler, fluffy likes to drive in a car with keyless entry", *uh* "Ok sure I can have keyless entry installed on your vehicle for like 150-200$ is that ok with you?" "No I would prefer to just trade this in on a new altima" "duuurrrrr ok". So she trades in the buick on a brand new altima 4cyl (with keyless entry) she took a 7000 hit doing this but I don't care its just more money for me.
Again she drives off into the sunset, new car and farting dog in toe hopefully this time she will stay away. No such luck. A few days later she's back in the dealership, apparently fluffy would prefer to ride in a v6 altima with leather and a sunroof. Well according to florida state law we cant sell her another vehicle for another 9 months, I tell her this and she gets highly upset and leaves... finally. Later that day the lincoln dealership called me to verify if the altima deal had been funded yet or not.
This VR game has become sentient and is killing us one by one. But is it art?
Nightwatch Brigade Insignia: Awarded for hiding in a coat closet and watching God's Not Dead, God's Not Dead 2, and Last Man Standing on a 1980s-era portable tv every night instead of sleeping
If you think Hitler was good, you've got another thing coming.
These tips are guaranteed to work. Nearly every time.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.