Sep: I work at an arcade. Every day I am more convinced that kids these days are being raised to be as stupid as possible.
Kid with tickets: What's in that box? (points to an empty prize box)
Me: Nothing is in that box.
septum: I worked at Best Buy during Black Friday. We had a laptop that was on sale for 649.99 after rebate. We were sold out of this laptop before the store even opened. We handed out tickets. I had this one moron come up to me saturday afternoon and ask me if we has this said laptop is in stock.
Me: Sorry, we sold out Friday morning.
Customer: WHAT THE FUCK, YOU GUYS NEVER HAVE ANYTHING IN STOCK
Me: Sorry, it was a door buster item.
Customer: Tell you what. If you give me that laptop now, I won't punch you in the face
I start laughing
Customer: You think this is funny?
Me: If you punch me, you'll be paying for my future laptop purchases.
Customer: WHERE IS YOUR MANAGER.
snoogit: When I was at this fast food place, I had been working there for 3 weeks, and it was going OK, I got my first paycheck, I was 16, and was pleased with it. well on this particular sunday, there was a group of white "street thug" wannabes in the store, and they gave me their order, and I gave them the total (I had not taken the cash yet), but while I was getting their food, they had pushed some buttons, on the register, and had ordered more food, I politely restated their total, but this time it was of course higher because they ordered more food. so I gave them the new total and they were FURIOUS... so one of the wannabes pulls out what looks like a gun and aims it right for my chest, I obviously duck, and my manager heads right for the office
the wannabes head for the door, and as they left one of the managers tried to haul them back into the store, she managed to grab the gun slinger back in, and immediately the cops came (next door was the police station) they apprehend the criminals, and then notify us that the "gun" was in fact one of those gun-lighters...
SGTGAFSNA: A little boy (probably about 8 or 9) was crying in the corner of the store one night, so I go inflate a balloon, thinking it would cheer him up. I give him the balloon, he stops crying, and vomits all over me. I yell for "the mother of the kid who's crying in the corner of the store" to come over. She does, and I ask her, actually quite nicely, to please clean up the vomit on the floor with the paper towels and cleaner stuff I hold out to her. She refuses, and still wants me to ring her up. I tell her that I'm not going to unless she cleans up the puke. She again refuses, and I tell her to never come back.
A second little boy (probably about 8 or 9) takes a shit in the middle of one of the aisles. I once again present the cleaning stuff to this other kid's mother, asking her quite politely to clean it up. She refuses. She demands I still ring her up. I tell her no, I will not, until she cleans up her little hell-child's shit. She still refuses and says that she will never come back. I tell her that I really hope she doesn't, as I don't need to clean up the shit of a child who obviously has a fucked-up sense of values if he thinks it's ok to pull down his pants and take a shit in the middle of a store.
Hamburglar: See the thing that bugs me about all this the most was I was definitely Mr. Good Employee when I worked retail in an electronics store. I was non commission (no it was not Best Buy) and I knew my shit. The bad customers got me so jaded towards customers period that I could no longer put up with it anymore. It's a shame because I really was a good worker and now customers have to deal with idiot employees because the good ones such as myself don't put up with it for long.
I am talking to an elderly man about a printer, and explain to him before his purchase that he also needs a printer cable if he does not have one (he does not). Up walks some 22 year old guy, complete DJ Skribble wanna-be (you know the type) and informs the old man that I am lying to him because he just bought a printer and it came with a printer cable. I informed Mr. Abercrombie&Fitch that they indeed did not come with printer cables, and he must be thinking of the power cord, or possibly he bought the printer cable and didn't remember. Mr. FrostedBlondeTips replies that he did not buy a printer cable, and I am lying to the old man because his printer came with one that he bought from us the other day. Not really sure what Mr. RolledUpWhiteT-Shirt man was trying to get to, I ignored him as did the old man. Like as if the old man wasn't going to get home and see two printer cables and not return the one he just bought. Jesus.
Shut #2: I got run over and electrocuted by a bumper car today while trying to unwedge two unrelated parties to the accident. Some shitfucker comes over, nails my knee from behind. My hand slips under the rubber of the bumper car, I get shocked, get up, stop the ride, and tell everyone to get the fuck off.
aTiredSoul: My 'best' retail story ever. I was a longtime JCPenney's employee. At the time of this story I was moonlighting in the (women's obviously) Lingerie department. I was filling in for a sick call employee, when an obviously plus sized (I'm talking 2x minimum) but well dressed woman walks in to the department. I smile at her, tell her my name, and use my standard, "If we can help you find anything please let me know." Okay fine. She walks off into the sleepwear section, which I happened to be sizing and straightening at the time. I'm working on the mumus when said woman reappears:
Her: "You don't carry any pyjamas in plus sizes!"
Me: "Ma'am, what kind of pyjamas are you looking for?"
Her: "Any kind!"
Me: *walks through the section and pulls out 4 different pairs to show her, including 1 satin pair*
Her: "I want those." *pointing to the satin pair* "In 2x and in blue!"
Me: "The only pair we have left in the store in blue are 1x, ma'am. May I order them from the catalog for you? They'll only take 3 days to get here."
Her: "WHAT! What do you MEAN you don't have them in stock? This is a disgrace! You don't carry anything in plus sizes and you should be glad for my business! I always shop here, and I want these satin pyjamas in blue right now!"
Me: *looking her straight in the eye* "Then I suggest you go shop at Macy's."
Sweet, sweet victory.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.