I work at at a veterinarian's office. I understand that medical terminology can be difficult, but I wish these people would just put a LITTLE bit of effort into what they're asking for.
Yes, I would like the Portabello shot for my dog please.
We don't carry anything called that.. What are you trying to protect against?
Whatever it's called, the shot for when you take your dog to that place.
Could you be more specific?
You know what I mean!! The Bordello!
Ma'am, would you like the Bordetella vaccine, given to dogs who are going to be taken to a kennel?
That's what I said.
Or these kinds of calls...
Yes, can I help you?
Hi, my dog is bleeding out of her rectum, should I be concerned?
Oh. Well it's been going on for two weeks, do you think I should wait and see if it goes away?
No. Bring her in as soon as possible.
Well what's wrong with her? How much will is cost?
Well, without narrowing down her condition any further, I can't give you an exact—
I told you, her booty is bleeding.
Yes Ma'am, but that could be anything from worms to intestinal hemmhorage and the price could range from $10 to $500. It's very difficult to diagnose over the teleph—
Whatever, well, I'm just going to give her some Pepto and see if it goes away, thanks anyways.
MA'AM That's NOT a good—
My one retarded costumer was really funny and not a jerk. He was standing right in the middle of the "coffee island" at my couche-tard (like 7/11 only blue and french). This is where the coffee machines, creams, sugar, frappalatte contraptions, coffee sample bags and such are at. He turns around and yells at me from across the store "Where are your lids?"
The lids in question were directly in front of him, on the big table in the middle of the "coffee island", next to the garbage can and generally speaking it should be the first thing you see when you come in the store. I was sure I'd misheard him, so I asked him to repeat himself.
"Where are you coffee cup lids?"
Okay, so he didn't see them.
"Right on that table sir! Right there!" *point directly at it*
He looked around in a completely different direction. "I don't see them." He walks around and he's LITTERALLY CENTIMETERS FROM THE LIDS NOW, LOOKING PAST THEM, AT ME.
"Right in front of you sir!"
He turns 180 degrees clockwise. "Where? Oh nevermind."
At this point I'm getting kind of annoyed since I'm an impatient guy, so as he's walking towards the counter I say "Let me show you sir."
I trudge towards the coffee island and half-slam half-drop my hand on top of the huge stack of lids.
He turned bright red and got this embarassed look on his face. He said "Oh. Uh, here" and gave me 4 dollars right there for his 1 dollar 50 cup of coffee and ran out of the store. He'd asked me how much the coffee was beforehand, so he was truly embarassed and sorry for wasting my time, and decided to give me a tip and save some dignity.
So being polite to confused folk is cool people! And don't do that condescending not really polite thing, they can tell!
Customer: Have you got any of the Pink PS2's in stock?
Me: Yup, £129.99. Includes two pink controllers, a pink memory card, and a copy of Singstar Popworld and two microphones. Bargain if you ask me.
Customer: I'll have one of them then please
Me: Ok, here you go, that'll be £129.99 then please.
Customer: Wait a minute, where's my free carry case?
Me: Sorry, i'm afraid you don't get one. The free carry case was for customers who pre-ordered the bundle before the Pink PS2 was released.
Customer: NUH-UH! It says in your catalogue that you get a free pink carry case!
Me: Yes, it also says underneath it in small writing that the offer only applies to pre-orders. Also, we ran out of Pink PS2 Carry Cases and won't be getting them back in stock. Still, I'm sure you agree that it's a really good price for what you get.
Customer: Well can I pre-order it then?
Me: Beg Pardon?
Me: It's already out.
Customer: Yeah, but it says if I pre-order it I can get the carry case free.
Me: Do you understand what pre-order means?
Customer: *stares blankly*
Me: Okay, pre-ordering is the act of paying money upfront for an item that hasn't been released yet, thus securing your item for when it is released. We were taking pre-orders on this as long as 2 months before release date. You can't pre-order something once it's been released, as then it's just an order. Not a pre-order. Get me?
Customer: Uh, whatever yeah.
Me: Ok good, so that'll be £129.99 then please.
Customer: No, I don't want it now.
Me: *about to explode* Why not? It's only a free carry case, you're getting everything else for the same price as customers who placed orders months ago. On top of everything, even if you did pre-order it, it says 'subject to availability' right there. So if we didn't have enough Carry Cases, you wouldn't be able to get one anyway.
Customer: So why take pre-orders if you're not sure if you have enough carry cases?
Me: Because it says subject to availability! As it happens, we did have enough, and every single customer who pre- ordered got one, as did a few customers who bought their console on release date. But we've been out of stock for ages, and we're not going to re-call the catalogue to amend one item when it says 'pre-order only' and 'subject to availability'. I'm sorry that you're disappointed, but maybe you should read things more carefully. Now, you can still have the console, and i'll chuck in a free toy dog for the slight inconvenience, how's that?
Customer: *as if this swings the whole deal in her favour* Okay then.
Me: Glad we could work something out.
Honestly, in this day and age, who the hell doesn't know what pre-order means?
Customer calls in on cellphone
Why does my internet not work?
The entire neighbourhood, including customer, had no power.
I work in the meat and seafood department of a supermarket. We have a meat counter, and a large part of my job involves taking things out of the meat counter and wrapping them up for people. A few weeks ago, T-bone steaks were $5.99 a pound, and porterhouses were $6.99 a pound. For those of you who do not eat food, porterhouses and T- bones are cut from pretty much the same muscles of the cow, but porterhouses have bigger tenderloins, an expensive, tender, and delicious piece of meat, and so are more expensive.
A lady walks in, waits in line, and tells me her order. She informs me that the small part of the T-bone (the tenderloin) is called the porterhouse, and all my porterhouse steaks are mislabelled. She then proceeds to tell me to cut off all the tenderloins from the T-bones and give them to her for $5.99 a pound, since that's the price for T-bones.
Of course, I didn't do what she told me to do, and she left as an unhappy moron.
I also get people who ask me to break their snow crab legs for them. Is it really that hard to break a snow crab leg? Another wanted me to pick out snow crab legs "with big blobs of meat on the ends". I wonder if she knew they actually came from animals with claws.
We've found some cool stuff in the woods. Now it's time for you to pinkie swear you won't tell mom and dad.
There's a Brainiac. He's not THE Brainiac. However, he's one aspect of Brainiac. Or maybe there's supposed to be a different Brainiac in every universe and they're all cosmically connected, presumably via their brains. Either way, I think this particular Brainiac is the boss Brainiac.
I highly recommend Windows 10 With Mouse + Keyboard Support Edition
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.