I was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, wishing for about the millionth time that day I could step outside and smoke a blunt. Of course, I was also wishing I had the means to do that.
Ross came in and asked me what I was doing. Now, I hated Ross, but I was struck with this sudden urge to talk, so I told him “Wishing I was high". He had a funny look on his face, turned around and left. "What the fuck was that about?" I wondered to myself.
A little time passed, maybe 15 or 20 minutes, when Ross came back and said " I got you covered nigga". Normally I would have told him he sounded like a fucking idiot for saying that, but he had piqued my curiosity. "What do you mean?" I asked. He looked over his shoulder and closed the door. "Check it out” he said." I got some Klonopins off the med cart when no one was looking"
I knew right then and there that this would end badly.
"Um Ross, they're going to know that the k-pins are missing" I said. "Nah, they won’t" he said.
Now, it's not like he took a few. He took an entire med box full of them. There were about 30 pills there.
I got up off my bed and told him to wait right where he was; I was going to check out the situation on the floor.
As soon as I walked out of my room and looked towards the nurse's station, I could see the panic in one of the MHA's eyes. I think his name was Jason. I stood back a little and listened. "They were right there" he said to the head nurse. "Are you absolutely sure?" she asked him. He looked at her and nodded. "Ok, she said. "We'll start a room to room"
At that point, I knew we would be fucked if we got caught, or should I say if Ross got caught, just for the fact he was my roommate. I slipped back into our room and closed the door. "Ross, we got a problem" I told him. "They know and they're starting a room to room, and I know this is the first stop".
We looked around the room for a hiding spot, and nothing looked good. I walked over to the mirror and pried it up a little. "Think you can fit them under there?" I asked him. "I dunno, let's find out” he responded.
Luckily, they fit. And not a moment too soon, because the door was opened and there was Jason with 2 other MHA's. "Where's the pills?' he demanded." I have no idea what the fuck you're talking about" I replied. I figured I should take control of the situation, before Ross fucked up and spilled his guts or something.
The MHA's started looking around, through our beds, under them. They looked into my duffel bag and Ross’s suitcase. They found nothing. After the whole wing was searched they told us "No one is leaving this wing under any circumstances until we recover those pills"
Pretty much the entire wing suspected Ross or myself, so I knew we had to take drastic action.
I went back into our room, took the pill box from behind the mirror, and when I was pretty sure no one was looking, I fired them down the hallway. None of the MHA's or nurses saw me, but Sherry did. She went walking over to pick them up, and I had to physically stop her from taking them and most likely swallowing them all.
I pushed her into her room and followed, because I heard the creak of the nurse station's little door being opened.
Now, I was stuck in Sherry's room while 2 MHA's came walking down the hall to see what the commotion was about. They saw the pillbox, and went running over to get it. There was no really good explanation for me being in there. I knew they would come waltzing in at any second, so I did the only thing I could think of. I grabbed her and kissed her. Better to get yelled at for that than God knows what for stealing pills.
So, we were caught and made to stay in the day rooms under MHA supervision for the rest of the day. Once they had the pills back, they pretty much let it go, but I have a feeling they blamed Sherry and me as opposed to Ross and myself.
That was about the only decent thing I ever saw Ross do. And by decent I mean something for someone other than himself.
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
A brave pop culture addict puts his foot down once and for all.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.