Leonard Crabs' Carnival of Savings!
Movable ladders provide remote access to "hard to reach" places.
Name: Dementia Circle
Price: $537.63 / month
Pets: At night
- Holes in wall that provide electricity to your various devices that require electrical current to operate (not included in base rent fee).
- Some carpeting. Can be used to walk on or to absorb spills.
- Enclosed ceilings.
- Rustic "faux-barn" motif will have your friends asking, "Is this some kind of fucking barn or something?"
- Trash service (will pick up AND deliver).
- A special "no crack addict" policy. Applicants are asked seriously if they are a crack addict before they can be approved for a lease. Any applicant who attempts to purchase crack from us will be reprimanded.
- All apartments have been thoroughly inspected for ghosts.
- Carpets have unique "Chalk Outline" pattern.
- All faucet knobs have been replaced with knife blades.
- Spacious ventilation ducts feature easy access for Satan's hellish minions.
- Free used mattress when you move in. Some re-assembly required. "No stains" model costs extra.
- Tires of your car "rotated" nightly by Otto.
- Parking spaces sufficient in size to ensure multiple "character" dimples.
- On-call dominatrix available daily.
- Tentacle Devil Penis-free rooms a mere $20 extra.
"When I was 16 years old, I had sex with a woman from Portugal! Only replace the word 'Portugal' with 'my backyard' and the word 'woman' with 'dog'."