The Weekend Web

GovTeen, Vampire Freaks, GameFAQs, and IGN

Sunday, December 21, 2003 Update by Zachary "Spokker Jones" Gutierrez

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The internet is a lot like an alarm equipped car that is parked right underneath your apartment. The car alarm's sensitivity is set entirely too high and everytime a car drives by it chirps very loudly. The alarm will sound full blast when a larger vehicle, such as a trash truck or a U-Haul truck, drives by. At first you try to tune it out. Eventually this strategy proves difficult and you think, "Well it's just for today. It'll be parked somewhere else tommorrow." You quickly realize this is not the case. Every day the car is there. Every ten minutes the damn alarm goes off. And you know you can't do anything about this asshole that parked his or her shitty car which hasn't been washed since the late 1980s right next to your apartment. You wonder, "Who the fuck would steal this car? It's colored shit brown and has dents the size of golf balls for Christ's sake!" The alarm becomes more and more frustrating until you're pulling your hair out and you can't get anything done and you just want to fucking kill somebody!!!

This week we spotlight four terrible forums that make me wish the internet never existed.

GovTeen

Who Posts There: GovTeen is inhabited by droves of young boys and girls whose parents are too neglectful or dead to tell them about the birds and the bees. This results in clueless wonders that don't know their dicks from their balls and choose to let the world know how ignorant they are. I'm pretty sure there are also many forty to sixty year old men jerking themselves off over at the 'ol GovTeen boards as well. They might even post some steamy stories from time to time.

What is Posted: Questions like, "Is my dick too small?", "Do boys like boobs?", "When did you first masturbate/have sex?" are common at GovTeen. These are asked over and over again no matter how many times they have been answered. I don't know how many people can ask, "I like dicks and I suck dicks and I love to jerk dicks off, am I gay?" and not figure it out themselves. Yes! You are probably gay!

Let's get started shall we?

This guy posts on a teen sex forum and loves Battlestar Galactica with a passion. He's going to go far in life.

I guess "Mike06's" parents don't like him saying naughty words. I don't blame him. My grandmother hated it when I cursed. This one time I got this excrutiating cramp in my leg and started screaming, "Damnitt! Damnitt! Damnitt!" Well my grandmother got up and started beating the shit ouf of me with a television remote control the best a sixty five year old woman can. I learned a valuable lesson that day. Don't get cramps at grandma's house.