Zack: Even if I were a holy warrior I would be mighty weirded out climbing on this thing's back.
Steve: Silver-hoofed silent ninja horse with peacock tail. What's not to love, dude? He'd be great for stealth operations.
Zack: Okay, Splinter Cell, but it's a guy with a horse body, not a horse. He has a face and he'll talk to you and be thinking about you riding around on his back. I'd bet it would be super weird for a woman. She'd be one step away from having sex with him. It's why women only ever accept piggyback rides from guys they want to bang.
Steve: I think it would be worth it for his ninja prowess. Like if I was a hot holy warrior babe I would totally get on this horse so I could creep around silently.
Zack: No! That's even worse. He can creep YOU after you're off his back. Like you're taking a shower under the waterfall and he'll be creeping around with that beard all flopped up trying to get a peek at your holy warrior bits.
Steve: It's a hard decision.Zack: It's simple. Would you ride on a male centaur's back?
Steve: No, unless it's an emergency.Zack: There's your answer.
Steve: Okay, but wait, hypothetical, dude: what if it's a normal looking horse, totally normal horse, but it talks.
Zack: Dude's voice?
Steve: Yeah, like an Orson Welles type voice.
Zack: Oh, hell, I would ride around on Orson Welles human back.
Steve: Does that mean you want to bang Orson Welles?
Zack: Steve, it turns out that the Forgotten Realms are the most complicated of all realms.
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
It's just a little confusing, is all.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.