We last left our intrepid party of investigators - Kurt Cobain, Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes, and Eazy-E - in the early 1990s having dealt with a serial-killing cult of flame-monster Tulzscha. It is now 1992, a presidential election year, and things seem relatively quiet. But a surprise third-party presidential candidate is gaining serious traction with a platform of "nuking the Arabs." Unless the investigators can stop him and his sinister agenda, Morton Downey Jr. just might become the next president of the US of freaking A. Loosely based on the scenario "The Yithian Candidate" from The 1990's Handbook.
Zack: Okay, here's the situation, we left off last time at the Nickelodeon station. Ninja Turtle ghouls ate the face off Left Eye's pal. Should Cobain fight them? Yeah, of course he should.
Steve: Keepers just don't understand.
Steve: It would be incredible if you could do this whole thing in rap lyrics.
Zack: That was more than enough to strain my credibility. But I rap talked the truth, Steve, Left Eye's contact Leftenant Remo Harris is dead and Kurt Cobain is cornered by the Ninja Turtle ghouls backstage at the Nickelodeon Kids' Choice Awards.
Steve: Yeah, fortunately Cobain has his secret weapon. Remember the one you pulled on me last time? Allow me to jog your memory:
Zack: Oh yeah, hidden quickdraw tonfas. Classic Cobain.
Steve: Kurt will pop those babies out and start disarming the turtles.
Zack: That's not hard because their weapons are plastic and smash apart at the lightest touch. The ghouls seem to be relying more on their claws and hideous snapping teeth. Kurt knocks out Raphael and Donatello, but Leonardo lands a wicked bite on Kurt's arm and Michelangelo shreds Kurt's armored flannel.
Steve: What martial arts does Kurt Cobain know?
Zack: Let's think about this rationally. I mean, really, what martial art is a Seattle grunge slacker like Kurt Cobain going to know?
Zack: Close. As you may recall, he is experienced in the Thai martial art of Krabi Krabong (60%) following his time as a South African mercenary fighting in Southeast Asia. It allows him to wield his tonfa as Mai sok san, incorporating them into a flowing style of brutal strikes.
Steve: Oh, Krabi Krabong is on the sheet. I thought that was a joke or something. Didn't I have him fight ghouls before?
Zack: Yes, he is an experienced ghoul battler, which is why he did not have to suffer a sanity loss when Donatello revealed his nightmarish visage.
Gentle creature Mark Zuckerberg informs you that he enjoys his dog and wife the normal human amount. That he has a plan. That he will be Gentle Leader.
Afraid of ideas and free speech? Well then you better not read this article, coward.
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Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.