Zack: Landing on the moon and finding this guy shoveling dirt looking for gems would be worse than finding nothing at all.
Steve: Some aliens are just too depressing to imagine.
Zack: Mankind shocked to learn it is not alone in the universe, there are actually miserable little dudes looking for gems on the moon.
Steve: We'd try to be really nice to them because we want to be friendly only then we'd invite them to earth and they'd eat really sloppy and stare at our wives.
Zack: Gray alien miner guy is making those weird black people jokes again.
Steve: He's farting up the couch and changing the TV channel to the Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives marathon on Food TV.
Zack: We'd give it a couple tries. Maybe take him to Dave & Busters and he drinks a bunch of mixed drinks and then begs all of our tickets and goes into the prize room and comes out with 700 super bounce balls.
Steve: Our attempts to teach him to skateboard and rap were completely futile.
Zack: When he is leaving we would act nice and wave while he's pulling out and then go inside the house and launch all of our nuke bombs at the moon immediately.
Steve: Then we would pretend like it never happened. No intelligent life on the moon.
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.