Zack: The temptation here is to address the picture. To talk about the ridiculous fatness or the almost random scale of his body parts, but I suggest we delve into the text.

Steve: Seems like a pretty reasonable life arc. Eat horses until you're so fat your parents force you into the high-stakes world of Sumo. Happens all the time.

Zack: ESPN 3's late night programming is littered with spherical southerners weened on the waste products of distilleries.

Steve: You've got to give him credit for finishing high school. A lot of guys in his position would see the opportunity and drop out for Sumo.

Zack: But Bluegrass wasn't interested in Sumo, he sought a quiet life assembling miniature dollhouse furniture for Japanese dioramas.

Steve: He became a professional text messager.

Zack: A baby's glove model.

Steve: A teacup chihuahua neurosurgeon.

Zack: The court reporter for IRS v. Micro Machine Man.

Steve: Whatever he does, I hope he's happy! That's all that matters.

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