Steve: You walk into the next room. I'll just read from the book: "This is a thirty-foot-long spinning cylinder, apparently made of some light metal. It is ten feet in diameter, and spins counter-clockwise at about eight miles an hour. The entire inner surface is covered with slippery oil and painted with a dizzying black-and-white spiral pattern."

Zack: Hm, spinning, greased cylinders painted with spirals. I think I've read about this terrain feature in my spelunking guide.

Steve: Before you say it, you've run out of turning into gas spells.

Zack: Dwarves are naturally grease-proficient. Ol' Buddy Jones is going to run at the spinning tunnel and try to surf it all the way to the end.

Steve: You run into the tunnel and your plan is working perfectly and then all of the sudden this dude pops up at the end and shoots a flaming arrow at the oil. It and you explode into flames. You're on fire!

Zack: My least favorite thing to be on! I stop, drop, and roll.

Steve: You drop down in the burning oil and roll around but you're only burning more. You take ten damage.

Zack: I can see the only way this battle is going to be won is through attrition. I roll around some more in the oil hoping to catch it all on fire as quickly as possible.

Steve: The whole tunnel is burning! You take ten more damage.

Zack: No problem, I have thousands of damage points left.

Steve: Ten more damage! The fires seem to be going down, but you're almost dead.

Zack: I'm going to point my finger at myself and cast ray of frost.

Steve: Finally the fire is extinguished. The dude who shot the arrow at the oil is climbing into the tunnel and he has a sword and a look of belligerence on his face.

Zack: I'm going to summon a skeleton behind this guy and tell it to grab him and hold him.

Steve: He's surprised and the skeleton grabs him.

Zack: "You're lucky I'm a pacifist," I say. Then I tell the skeleton to throw the guy into the boiling lake of mud and I continue on.

More WTF, D&D!?

This Week on Something Awful...

Copyright ©2018 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.