Steve: You have entered the lair of the mega crab!
Zack: You know you're in a bad place when it's described as a "lair." Nothing good ever has a lair. You never hear about unicorn lairs or elf lairs.
Steve: The Mega Crab comes clattering forward and he is brandishing his giant claws. You see evil in his eyes.
Zack: Is that Hebrew on the band around his arm?
Steve: It's magical runes.
Zack: Magical Talmudic runes?
Steve: The crab attacks! He misses! His brutal claws will cut you in half if he manages to snap them shut on you!
Zack: Even normal size crabs are pretty hard to kill, but they're really easy to scare. They just see you and they start to try to get away. I'm going to scare the crab with my scariest Scare spell. Welcome to a nightmare world of Baltimore crab boils and weird parasites that sprout out of that one spot on your carapace you can't reach with your claws.
Steve: The crab is very afraid. It starts retreating.
Zack: Is there any treasure in its lair?Steve: Just a door out of the room and the dark corner where the giant crab is cowering. You do find some skeletons of unlucky adventurers.
Zack: I animate them to form an elite skeleton squad.
Steve: You form a skeleton squad, but it's not very elite.
Steve: There's a room with two tunnels and water floating in mid-air flowing from one tunnel to the other and there are some kayaks on the floor. You can see fish in the water.
Zack: Of course that is happening. Naturally.
Steve: What are you going to do?
Zack: Me and the skeletons are going to take the kayaks I guess. You know how the saying goes: "When in dungeon, use the kayaks to navigate an impossible mid-air river."
It's true. Grimace is human. God help us, we did our best for him.
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
Try not to break your console while I try not to break my cyber brain.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.