~Steve's Honorary Badass Choice Award~
Random Oni Table Rolls
General Body Shape
63 : 61-65 Lumpy blob like a snail.
Oni Head Shape
59 : 56-60 Fish-like; +2 horror factor.
50 : 31-50 Large, wide, flat nose like that of an ape, two times larger than a
67 : 61-70 Bird eyes the look like jade.
14 : 11-20 Human mouth and crooked teeth. 1D4 M.D. from bite.
Oni Arms & Hands
30 : 21-30 A pair of large, oversized, muscular arms (3D6 M.D.) and a third,
smaller arm with two clawed fingers and a thumb (2D6 M.D.; +1 attack
per melee round).
51 : 51-60 Skeletal shaped legs with the classic two-toed, clawed feet. 6D6
18 : 15-21 Pair of small horns. 1D4 M.D. from head butts.
98 : 91-00 Mustard/Yellow Brown
Description: When the Cadaverous Gastropod is not at the gym, he likes to spend his time at the beach. This beefy Oni likes to show off his hot bod, and is constantly flexing for the chicks. He also enjoys a game of volleyball, and thanks to his third arm, he is able to play while still flexing. The Cadaverous Gastropod loves stealing girls from other beach dwellers, especially from barbarians.The Verdict
Zack: I would like to note for the record that this is only included under protest after Steve insisted that "no, we got to include it, it has all the elements."
Steve: Is that even up for dispute? Look at those elements on display.Zack: Steve, if you ran this contest by yourself the winner would have been the person who Photoshopped Conan onto a boob.
Steve: That's possible? There's technology for that?
Zack: The government has it on their supercomputers.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.