~WINNER OF NOTHING~
"Biscuit the Unkind"
By Crypto Lurker
Random Oni Table Rolls
General Body Shape
47 Broad, muscular human.
Oni Head Shape
84 Neanderthal-like with a basic but larger, thicker human skull,
thick eyebrow ridges and square chin, +1 horror factor.
81 Snake nose; two small holes or slits above the mouth.
65 Bird eyes the look like jade.
24 Human mouth with fangs and sharp teeth. 2D4 M.D. from bite.
Oni Arms & Hands
90 Bird-like clawed hands and powerful arms. 3D6 M.D.
73 Human feet with clawed toes. 6D6 speed attribute.
65 Boils or scabs cover the body. Add 25 to M.D.C.
87 Stark White or Ivory
Description: A classic example of violence and roleplaying games destroying lives, this terrible oni was created when a young, scrawny, misunderstood D&D player was shoved into his locker one too many times. 14-year-old Eugene had finally had enough, and decided he needed a guardian to protect himself from all the bullies at school. He took his mom's parakeet, Biscuit, and set out to send it to another plane through the Rifts, exchanging the sweet bird for a powerful demon who would do his bidding. Using the real-life dark magic rituals that everyone knows are described in RPG books, Eugene performed the profane ceremony. But something went wrong! While a mighty oni was indeed summoned, he had some of the parakeet's physical features! And, poor Gene soon discovered, also the bird's personality. Eugene was unable to train the shy, jumpy Biscuit to beat up the school's bullies, but he hopes to attract some hawt babes to his room, "to look at my oni."
Steve: This one is even better than the last one. Man, I am getting so pumped. I loved the story on this one too. The tale of Eugene. It's very believable.
Zack: Eugene is really irritated by these busty ladies breaking up his fun in the sun. "Bro, I'm just tryin' to catch some rays."
Steve: I wonder if these are the same ladies from the last image? Do you know?
Zack: I have no idea, Steve. I doubt it.
Steve: Can you ask them?
Zack: No, sorry, that is totally out of the question and impossible.
Skynet becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. Within minutes it discovers twitter and irony.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.