|From: "Dr.Ben Chumas" |
Subject: Re: Dr. Ben for President in 1997!
Thanks for your prompt response. All your comments have also been noted. However,it is not possible to work with the information that you sent to me.They do not look like bank details.
Now this suggestion.We can still do this transaction without your sending your bank account details to me.All you need do is nominate a name that would be used in issuing a certifed international bankers' draft (bank cheque) Note that the name you have to nominate could be personal or corporate.In other words, you can nominate your name or your company's name.Such a name is submitted to the bank here who would susequently issue the said certified bank draft in such a name.After that the bank will of course send the certified draft to you and this you will pay into your bank account in your country.The draft clears into your bank account as cash after 4 banking days.Immediately that happens my colleagues and I will fly into your country and share the money with you in the percentages stated in my first letter to you.
Indeed I suggest this so that we can get started and save ourselves a lot of valuable time. Please confirm if this arrangement is ok by you.
DUH OKAY DOCTAH BEN, LET ME SEND OVER MY INFUHMATION RIGHT NOW! And while I'm at it, why don't I go sit in the middle of the highway and take a big pile of crap and just spin around in it? Maybe the medical industry standards in Nigeria / Asia are more lax than the Washington area.
|From: "Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka" |
Subject: Paging Dr. Ben to the Nigerian Cash Money Clinic!
Okay, that sounds easy enough. I would now like to nominate a name. Please take this name as my nomination:
That is my CFO's name, who handles all the monetary transactions. Unfortunately he cannot give me a hand with this deal, as he is suffering from Leaking Brain Syndrome (LBS). The doctors claim he has hours, possibly years, to live, and it's all very depressing. I do not want to find another CFO, as Moe had the best mustache out of any CFO and help like that is hard to come by ever since I was arrested for The Great Grape Heist of 1992.
If that doesn't help, you may use this name as my nomination:
This is the name of the umbrella corporation I use to manufacture umbrellas and hide my taxes from Uncle Sam. I have an Uncle named Sam who I think is in cahoots with Moe, and they're both trying to steal the money I made from the sales of my popular board game, "Mommy's a Corpse Now." Either of those accounts have very strong name nomination at my bank, The Novgorod First Annual Bank of Hoosegow. Please let me know if these work; as I mentioned before, I do not do the accounting for my business and I unfortunately know very little about banking or otter cock.
I cannot wait for you and your colleagues to fly out here! We will treat you to the finest accommodations at the Quality Hunglow Inn down on Meyer Street, and we'll eat dinner at the fantastic French restaurant, "Tiempo De La Taco." My sister in law asked me to ask you what your colleagues look like, as she would really like to date a rich doctor such as yourself. She was wondering if you had any tattoos. On your head. When do you plan on heading out here?
I eagerly await your supply,
- Mrs.Ricardo Kyanikana
At this point I got tired of emailing the idiot, so I just concluded the exchange by sending him the following email.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
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