|From: "Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka" |
Subject: Holy moley
Dear Dr. Who,
Hey Ben, it's Ricardo again. Sorry to plague you with bad news, but there's bad news: my wife just found out that I was her husband in disguise this entire time. All my money is tied up in her banking account, and she just took my name off of the account because of the aforementioned reasons. I had originally planned to disguise myself and trick her into having sex with me so I could then threaten to blackmail her husband with the information, but she was too smart for me and caught onto my scheme. I blame the cats, because if I would've never let them out of the refrigerator, they wouldn't have leaked my plans to the postman, who (as I suspected before) WAS in fact spying on me!
Anyway, sorry I can't help you out with your money thingy, but the cops have one of those electric shock collar things on me and they said if I try to talk to a Nigerian Asian man, I will be thrown into prison. This is a risk I cannot take, as I gained a bad reputation in prison for "The Bendy Spoon Incident." I hope you have luck finding somebody else to help you with your money transaction and I hope your war-torn country of Nigeria / Asia soon finds peace like my native land of Israel.
- Mr.Ricardo Kyanikana
Poor Dr. Ben. I had used and abused his trust for days. If anybody out there wants me to shoot myself for this disgusting betrayal, feel free to send me your bank account information so I can use it to purchase bullets. I'll give you 20% of the money in my will, I swear!
The singer dove off the stage and crowd surfed in a sort of reverse funeral procession where the person being carried is the only one truly alive. Touching him I felt religious ecstasy and started speaking in tongues and requesting songs that didn't exist.
There's no easy way to put this, so I'll tell it like it is. Bouillon is died. He went missing before the weekend and yesterday I found his skeletonized remains at the bottom of the #3 soup vat during one of my swims. I thought the cream of mushroom soup had an especially nourishing taste, and a lot more clumps of fur and skin than usual.
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