Jeff K.'s weekly column, appropriately entitled "Ask Jeff K.", deals with all the issues that affect all hardcore gamers and l33t haX0rs out there. If you have a question you'd like to ask, feel free to mail it in. Every letter printed here is in fact real and has actually been sent to Jeff; not a single email has been fabricated or created by the staff.
Let me repeat that again for the sake of emphasis: All of these emails have really been submitted to Jeff K. by real people and have NOT been made up or forged in any way.
before I start my colamn today, I'd liek too adress soemthing that IS VARY IMPORTANT TO ME AND YUO AND TEH VISITARS OF THIS SIET!!! well, it seems as if my little friends CLIFFRY B and GREENMARYANNE and all teh othar Eipic studios FAGOTS haev decideded too use my liekness (my pictare) on theyre stupid Ricket Areana mod for Unreally Stupid Tournamint!! YES VIEWARS, THEY PUT MY PICTARE IN THERE REtarted GAME AND DIDANT ASK ME FOR PERMISSIAN!!! LOOK::#
now if yuove been readeing my colamns before, yuo KNOW I'm a vary easy going person and nice person and smart person and I don't make a big deale out of little things - BUT THIS HAS GONE TO FAR, SIRS. i did not ask too be featared in there "ROCKAT ARENIA" game, but oh looks there I am! ASSOCIATEING MY IMAGE WITH A GAME THAT LACKS IN QUALEITY LIKE UNREALE TOUNRAMINT IS A PUNISHABLE OFFENSE, EIPIC STUDIOES. yuo CANNOT PUSH THE LITTLE GUY AROUND ANYMORE, SMARTY MAN CLIFFY B! yes, thats right, mayeb back in UNREALE TOURNAMINT SCHOOL ("CLOWN COLLEGE" AS I TENDERLY REFER TO IT) yuo can get away with this slandorous libil, but not on teh intarnet SIR> so i haev decided to get a laywer and SUE EIPIC STUDIOES FOR PUTTING MY PICTARE ON THERE STUPID GAME UNTIL THEY TAKE TEH PICTARE DOWN. i got something aweful's laywer Leonard Crabs to represent me and he wrotes this lettar hes going too send to EIPEIC STUDEIOSL:
It has recently come to my attention that your company (hereby known as "Epic Studios") has taken the liberty of using an anauthorized picture of Jeff K. (hereby known as "my client") in your consumer-oriented computer entertainment product (hereby known as "FPS game"). My client (hereby known as "Jeff K.") was never notified in pre-production stages (hereby known as "when you were around a couple computers, writing a few lines of code and downloading pictures from The Stile Project") of your intentions (hereby known as "defaming a public celebrity with obvious malicious intentions to deflower this fine young lad's social standing"). Jeff K. (hereby known as "my client") was never contacted by Cliff Bleszinski (hereby known as "the Defendant"), Tim Sweeny (hereby known as "the sociopath with violent tendancies that could go on a killing spree at any moment"), Brandon Reinhart (hereby known as "the guy every father has to hide his sons from"), or the rest of the Epic staff (at the request of my client, hereby known as "TEH FAGOTS"). This constitutes as an unauthorized use of Jeff K.'s (at the request of my client, hereby known as "TEH SUPARHERO WHO CAN STOMP CARS AND BUSHES AND SHOTS LASAR BEAMS FROM HIS EYES") image, and is grounds for a lawsuit (hereby known as "I'd be willing to settle out of court for a year of free blimp rides and a dinner at Del Taco"). The purpose of this letter is to let you know that I will be persuing legal action regarding this matter, and will file the papers with the head-lawyer guy downtown as soon as I can get a ride into the city (I have to wait until payday so I can afford the bus fare).
Please respond as soon as possible,Leonard Crabs
HAHAHAAAAAAAAAA#^*#(@! HOW DO YUO LIEK THEM APPALS, EIPIC Studioes??!? I prepare too see yuo in court, but until then, HERE COMES TEH LETTARS TO MY COLAMN:
You've made your general position on Microsoft and your preference for Linux quite clear in the past, but I'd like to ask you specifically your opinion on Judge Jackson's ruling and your opinion on possible remedies for the situation. Also, you should really check out slashdot.org- I think you could really add a lot to their discussions about Natalie Portman (and grits)..
oh yes, micorsoft's mononopoley is a vary trickey issue indeed! basicaly Judge Judy saids:
1) Miscrorosoft has too break up theyre company into 5 smaller companieys: Miscrosoft Publisher, Microsoft Operating Systams, Microssoft Money 98, Microsofts WindowsCE, and Miscorsoft Head pResident Bill Gates. they will makes differant products so they dont monopolize Lunix and Litestep. this si good becase Populare opinion (of course) dictates BILL GATES = FAGOT. he has been monopolizing Lunix for years now, which si sucks becuase Lunix Torvavlededs is a genuis and he invented teh helicoptar too. VARY intellegent man too, he has an IQ of 10 / 10 (perfect score). so with microsfot not monopolozing Lunix anymores, that means Lunix can finally be on computars on ebay too (and watches and Lunix soap). that si vary good, but let us listen to a counteropinion from Eipic Fagot Clify B!!!:
TALKING CLIFFY BLISANSKI SAYS:
"DAH, ME NO LIEK LUNIX BECUASE I"M SOME CRAZY SHIT MAN! IF I HAD MY WISHES, WED BE USEING TEH APPAL 2C COMPUTARS BECUASE THEY OFFAR TEH SAME AMOUNT OF DIRICT 3D SUPPORT AS OUR GAEM CURRANTLY HAS< DAHHHH SOMEBODY STOLE MY NEON ORANGE TANKtOP AND 1980'S BANDANA"
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.