Overview: Darfur combines all of the great things the world loves about Sudan, like oppression, Islamic extremism, poverty, and famine, but adds in Sudanese-backed militias trying to ethnically cleanse rebel groups. It's basically Sudan's bad neighborhood.
Sudan has been selling its oil to China and using its money to expand its army, enrich its despots, and provide weapons and ammunitions to militias operating in Darfur.
Crisis Point: Every year more and more college kids in Europe and the United States are wearing save Darfur t-shirts and claiming there is a genocide going on. Eventually, voters might notice, forcing the United States to do something really embarrassing like drop humanitarian aid or work with the UN to send in peace keepers.
US Interests: Sudan produces large quantities of oil that they aren't selling to America. Horseback Janjaweed outlaws tarnish the reputation of cowboys by shooting off genitals and raping children.
Stumbling Blocks: Another African genocide? The United States had hoped those savages learned their lesson when the US did nothing about Rwanda. What is it going to take to convince them America doesn't care!?
Chinese involvement in the Sudanese oil infrastructure might prevent the United States from engaging in the indiscriminant bombing of Sudan's oil infrastructure.
Solution: Hold a press conference showing off satellite images of the Sudan's Chinese-operated oil production facilities and label them as "Al Qaeda training camps." Bin Laden was in the Sudan like 15 years ago, so it's plausible enough for the suckers in the media. Destroy all oil production facilities with cruise missiles and then drop a bunch of MREs in the desert.
BE ABSOLUTELY SURE to use MREs and not bomblets. We don't want a repeat of Croatia.
The most beautiful woman on all of Facebook is no longer just enchanting your Facebook feed. She's here, y'all!
These sponges will make your hair WHITE and your teeth CURLY.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.