Overview: Islamic extremist state ruled by a democratically elected dictator agitating for war with the United States by trying to develop a nuclear bomb. Iran has every reason to be grateful to the United States after we toppled Saddam Hussein and put an end to the brutal, decade-long war he was fighting against the Iranians at our request.
Crisis Point: Iran has been meddling in our private affairs in Iraq. Fake evidence suggests Iranian agents have been providing special super bombs to the guys we're calling Al Qaeda this week. These devices use a complex specially-engineered high-tech metal plate and are the only bombs powerful enough to blow up our tanks, proving Iran's evilness. This sort of aggression combined with Iran's stated goal of not acquiring nuclear weapons has transformed Iran into America's greatest regional threat.
Iran has also demonstrated its capacity for waging war against America and Israel in the region by holding expensive Photoshop technology demonstrations. Although some consider these demonstrations to be propaganda, they do indicate a willingness on the part of Iran to shoot missiles into the air. An air which some strategists believe could contain American or Israeli planes bombing them.
US Interests: Bothersome Iranian interference in Iraq makes it harder for the United States to passively allow Turkey to constantly raid Kurdistan and bomb cities. Shi'ia majority government we spent billions installing in Iraq is willing to answer the phone even though the caller ID says "Iran."
Stumbling Blocks: The United States is running out of carrier groups to belligerently parade around the Strait of Hormuz and nearby countries in which to hold "war games." Unless Iran opens up their nuclear facilities to inspection by Mossad commandos the United States may be forced into war.
Solution: Paint all of our planes to look like Israeli aircraft, then reduce Iran's cities to rubble. Immediately go to the United Nations and author a resolution condemning Israel's aggression. Before it can be voted on use the US veto to throw out the condemnation.
Everyone already hates Israel anyway.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.