Overview: The former Soviet State of Georgia has built a petro-pipeline for America and Israel in exchange for Coca Cola, breast implants, and tanks to drive over babies in South Ossetia.
South Ossetia is a breakaway region of Georgia not recognized under international law. The natural resources of South Ossetia include Russian "peace keepers" and babies. Russia hates Georgia for giving all of their oil to America in exchange for tanks and doesn't want them joining NATO.
Crisis Point: Georgia has responded to Russian antagonism by shelling and invading South Ossetia. Flattened South Ossetian babies have granted Russia casus belli for war. Russia has driven Georgian forces out of South Ossetia and has pressed on into Georgia to begin the strategic crushing of Georgian babies. Their goal is to prove a point about being big tough guys with huge dicks to Ukraine and America.
US Interests: Russian invasion threatens US oil pipeline, vague idea of "freedom." Street named after George W. Bush should never see the tread of one of Putin's baby-smashers.
Stumbling Blocks: The United States is fighting wars in Afghanistan and Iraq and is preparing for war In Iran, Syria, and an as-yet undetermined third nation to be drawn at random from the prize pool. Direct US military intervention in Georgia could spark World War III.
Solution: Use the "moon base swimming pool" line item in the NASA budget to pay extra-national military contractors. Supply them with the equipment necessary to force the Russians out of Georgia using an Anthrax-for-tanks triangular trade agreement with trustworthy ally Pakistan.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.