Each year, world leaders must vie with relative unknowns for the coveted title of Hitler. With 2013 almost behind us, it is up to the history books to decide who the reigning Hitler was, while the National Institute of Hitler Sciences looks ahead to the Hitler yet to be named.
Although the pronoun "he" is used throughout, this article makes no claims about the gender of the Hitler. Here is what we know so far about this enigmatic and divisive figure:
He disagrees with you politically, sometimes over the smallest detail.
He will say some outrageous things and the people you don't like are going to love it.
He will tweet something that will make many people upset and when he finally apologizes it won't be satisfyingly contrite.
You won't be able to believe how stupid/blind his followers are.
If he is elected to an office, a large number of people will not believe that election was legitimate.
Youtube commenters are going to have some views about him.
Tumblr users will become very upset about something related to 2014's Hitler.
He is going to have some opinions about gay people that certain people won't like.
He is not going to attempt to exterminate the Jews, gypsies and homosexuals. That doesn't necessarily means he likes Mexicans.
He won't start a world war.
He probably won't wear a military-style uniform.
He is not going to like the same music you like.
He will be perceived to have insulted people you agree with.
He is planning to do something with banks and you are not going to like it.
He wants you to take better care of yourself and treat your mother with respect. Because that's just the sort of controlling fascist he is.
He will say things that sound ridiculous to you, but will be treated as wisdom by others.
He was married to your mother at some point.
He put a roof over your head when you were younger.
You are going to regret talking back to him.
The 2014 Hitler of the Year, due to a three way tie between President Obama, John Boehner, and Bashar Al Assad, is...
That's right, your dad is Hitler. He thinks he's your boss just because he's your dad. Like he can just tell you what to do. In 2014 he is going to cross the line. He doesn't want to be your friend, he wants to be your Hitler.
You heard me, Dad, or should I say...Hitler!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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