From: MARVIN JEFFERSON
Subject: SURGICAL MISHAP
RECENTLY I WENT INTO THE HOSPITAL FOR SURGERY. I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE MY KIDNEY TAKEN OUT AND REPLACED BY TWO NEW KIDNEYS - ONE FOR NORMAL USE AND THE OTHER FOR "TURBO" MODE. WHEN I CAME OUT OF SURGERY, I NOTICED THAT THEY BOTCHED UP THE SURGERY BECAUSE I AM NOW A 6 FOOT TALL WHITE MAN NAMED "MARVIN JEFFERSON". I DISTINCTLY REMEMBER BEING A BLACK WOMAN BEFORE THE OPERATION. THEY EVEN CHANGED ALL MY PERSONAL PHOTOS AND BRAINWASHED MY FAMILY MEMBERS INTO GOING ALONG WITH THEIR SCREW UP.
SO I WAS WONDERING WHAT KIND OF MINERALS ARE FOUND IN THE ATACAMA DESERT? ALSO I WAS WONDERING IF I COULD SUE THE DOCTORS. AND THAT DESERT THING TOO, BUT MOSTLY THE SUEING ISSUE.
Oops, I guess I did it again! I'll try to correct addressing myself in future issues. Anyway Marvin, you have a very complex legal issue that we lawyers like to call, "pro bonito sans serif MS arial 12 font". This basically means that due to no fault of your own you have suffered a medical mishap with unwanted results. The toughest part of a case like this revolves around proving that you were once in the shape or condition you described. Your best action would be to look through your personal video tape collection and listen for people saying things that would support your claim. Pay particular attention to phrases such as, "my, you sure are beautiful! And a black woman too!" or "it would sure suck if you suddenly became a six-foot tall white man, because we love you for the black woman you currently are!". If you can find evidence like I described, you're in good shape.
I had a case like this back in 1973, right about the time of the Cuban Missile Crisis. I remember the case well, mainly because it's hard to forget with all those Cubans and missiles involved. Anyway, my client, Bud Kellog, was being sued by the Sony Corporation for rubbing all their AM radios on their assembly line against his private parts. I won the jury over with my award-winning smile and extensive knowledge of the law. Oh yeah, and the jury was composed 75% of members from my family, and they were all afraid to choose in favor of Sony because they were still afraid of me since the picnic a couple months before when I attempted to publicly demonstrate my telekinetic skills by pushing a dog off the roof.
Now that I think about it, that case isn't anything like the one you mentioned. However, it did end up with me being voted as "Lawyer of the Year" by all the guys at the YMCA. Some people claimed that the only reason I got that title was because the other lawyer quit the club weeks before, but I know that's just not true. The other guy never quit the YMCA, the Police found his corpse locked in the back of his car trunk before he had a chance to. Oh yeah, and large amounts of sodium nitrate are found in the Atacama Desert. Sodium nitrate is used to make gunpowder, salt, plywood, and pelicans.
From: Eric Willingham
Subject: mental anguish!!!!
I wanted a PLAYSTATION for last chirstmas but all i got was a PIKACHU ALARM CLOCK!!!! WTF?!? can I sue my parrents? ITS BULLSHIT!
PS: YOUR COLUM RULES!!! LEONARD
PPS: DONT SHOW THIS LETTER TOO MY PARRENTS PLEASE!
(I am getting better at this responding thing, give me a couple days to work the "kinks" out) It sounds like you are suffering from "mental anguish", or as we legal people like to call it, "mental anguish." Your cold-hearted parents have chosen to permanently scare your mind by traumatizing you with such second-rate, shoddy gifts! It is your right as an American to seek revenge. Here's what I recommend doing:
1) Play a lot of realistic violent video games like Doom, Quake 1 and Quake 2 (but not Quake 3 because no jury in their right mind would say that game displays anything remotely realistic), Jazz Jackrabbit, Era Online, Tetris, and Virtua Tennis. This will sharpen your aiming skills and help you lose all bearing of reality.
2) Listen to bands like KMFDM, Rammstein, or anything else that has male German band members which look like extremely feminine women. The more crappy the music is, the better.
3) Start wearing a lot of black. Wearing stuff like black trenchcoats makes you look "cool" even if you're so fat that it appears as if somebody simply threw a black pool cover on top of a Volkswagen Beetle.
By that point your parents should be so utterly afraid of you that they'll hand over anything you want. If they don't, you can sue for "mental anguish", claiming that their lack of proper parenting skills almost forced you over the edge into a life of violence, Satanic worship, and stupid German song lyrics. No jury would want to see another gun-toting psycho on the playground, so you'll have whatever you want in no time! The terrible tragedy of violent psychotic youths can be used for your own personal gain!
Anyway, that's all the time I have for today. I can hear the Police sirens in the distance, so I have to shut off all lights and electronics so they won't see me hiding under the desk. Before you ask, I hide under my desk for lower back support, not because I was caught leaking bodily fluids into the cotton candy machine in the park. Besides, that wasn't me, it was my identical, uh, brother, who looks exactly like me and, um, is also named "Leonard Crabs" but isn't me. He's like my evil twin, which means he's really bad at legal matters and he CAN'T shove an entire lit candle inside his ear canal for 20 seconds. Until next time, this is Leonard "J." Crabs saying, "may all your legal issues fold like leaky tissues." I don't know what that exactly means, but it made a lot of sense last night when I ingested that entire bottle of prescription medication I found in the attic of a client's house. And it rhymes too, so there.
We've found some cool stuff in the woods. Now it's time for you to pinkie swear you won't tell mom and dad.
There's a Brainiac. He's not THE Brainiac. However, he's one aspect of Brainiac. Or maybe there's supposed to be a different Brainiac in every universe and they're all cosmically connected, presumably via their brains. Either way, I think this particular Brainiac is the boss Brainiac.
I highly recommend Windows 10 With Mouse + Keyboard Support Edition
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.