Daring Armstrong finished combing his hair and looked back at Helen Attractive in the mirror on the hotel's dresser. She was still panting from their five hour long session of lovemaking.
"So are you finally going to leave that old bag of bones for me toots?" Asked Daring with a boyish smile that betrayed his penchant for unlubricated anal sex.
"I could never do that," Attractive reached for the wine bottle next to the bed and realized it was empty.
"I love him," she said pointedly, picking up the telephone to order another bottle.The maid delivers the champagne, and a few surprises!"Fine you sassy harpy," Daring said with dismay, "I'm going to take a shower and get your stank off of me."
He stomped to the shower and stood under the warm water, letting it cascade over his perfect hair, which he combed as he showered. Once done he wiped the steam off the mirror and began applying a series of ointments and tinctures to his grotesquely oversized chin. Nothing he tried ever reduced its size and while the ladies might like it, he found it made buying shirts exceedingly difficult.
Suddenly there was a woman's scream followed by an even more high-pitched and annoying sound that Daring could not identify. Wrapped only in a towel he ran into the room.
"What's wrong?" He shouted over the screaming and shrieking sounds.
Helen pointed at the door where the maid stood. She was about three feet tall and wearing a maid's uniform and a harness attached to a service tray that bore the bottle of wine and glasses. She also was a giant crab.
Trying to change history is a terrible mistake. Tearing down all of America's Hitler statues has left us confused about our nation's proud past.
Ask any cowboy and they'll tell you: The deadliest snake in the wild west is Lava-Filled Hole Shaped Exactly Like A Cowboy Silhouette
Ben Garrison's Cartoons are finally explained!
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.