Chapter Three - All Hail President SinisterestThe Saurian Terror Troops parade before the new Commander in Chief.President of the United States Doctor Sinisterest sat atop the presidential throne in Washington D.C. as his armies of conquest marched steadily past him. Since returning to his time one year ago he had discovered that changes to the past had caused dinosaurs to evolve as the dominant life form of the world. The intelligent "Saurians" (as they were known) luckily still hailed Sinisterest as their Commander in Chief, and in short order he used his knowledge of evil to form their democracy into a warlike empire. He also made sure their flag looked a lot like the Nazi flag only with a fist instead of a Swastika, because he thought that would be really cool and evil.
Already his legions of Saurian terror troopers and jet pack troopers had spread across all of the Americas and Europe, all that remained for his conquest to be complete was Africa and Asia. He would soon hold the entire globe within the fist of his empire's oppression, and the people all contained within this oppressive fist would be oppressed. Also, because of what he did in 1776, baseball was never invented and the Star Wars trilogy was a complete flop compared to the box office smash "Laser Blast". John F. Kennedy was never assassinated, but that's because no one wants to assassinate the owner of a modestly successful gas station in Ewing, Idaho. Pepsi and Coca-Cola were still the most popular soft drinks, but instead of sweet colas they were made from human blood.
Into this terrible United States came Daring Armstrong, who with the help of Thomas Edison, had constructed a crude time travel device that would allow him to return to the day before the mission launched. Unfortunately, the system was not correctly calibrated and hurled him a year into the future of what was the past for him from which he came. If that makes sense, I don't know.
"Oh sweet liberty," Daring Armstrong cried, "what have they done to you!?"
He shook his fist at the Statue of Liberty, which now held a sword and had the head of a horrible reptilian monster. Then he remembered his mission and hurried to find Professor Smart, who would help him return on this timeline to the point at which Abraham Lincoln was prevented from signing the Constitution. He hoped he might be able to save Helen and the original Professor Smart in the process.
It took him a week of dodging from Saurian terror patrols, but with the help of an adorable urchin that turned out ironically to be his son in this timeline, he found Professor Smart. He was imprisoned for public indecency and set to be executed the very next day, but in a raid that could only be described as "daring", Daring busted Professor smart out of jail. Over the course of the next month, Daring and the Professor worked together on a new Time Pod that could return him to 1776 so that he could prevent Doctor Sinisterest from seizing power. Professor Smart would send Daring out to recover or steal items of advanced technology, even as Sinisterest's forces marched on the last strongholds of freedom in Japan and China.
"I wish I could go with you," said Professor Smart, his hand affectionately on the shoulder of Daring.
"If you're going to touch me you'd better be a woman or about to fist fight, because I don't swing that way professor."
Daring closed the door of the Time Pod and jolted back through the space time continuum, hurtling towards 1776 as things like clocks and sun dials flew past the view screen.
The human anatomy is home to more than three hundred organs. Doctors and chocolatiers agree that the vast majority of these revolting lumps of tissue serve little to no function. If you find yourself standing in a long line or stuck at the airport waiting for a delayed flight, consider taking a few minutes to remove the following from your person.
Do you have what it takes to make it on the ballot?
Denzel is here to set the movie scales back to zero. That's what an equalizer does, right?
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.