Lowtax: Okay, one last question. How do you spell the word "Internet"?
Cactus Frankie: internet?
Lowtax: Thank you very much! Phase I of the survey is now complete! We may now move on to Phase II!
Lowtax: QUESTION #1: On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your satisfaction with the Something Awful Forums?
Cactus Frankie: whats 10?
Lowtax: The number after 9.
Cactus Frankie: uhhhhh 0 THAT SITE FUCKEN SUCKED A DILK!!!!
Lowtax: Excellent. QUESTION #2: If you could change one thing on the Something Awful Forums, what would you change?
Cactus Frankie: MY ACCOUNT TO NOT BE BANNED
Lowtax: Thank you. QUESTION #3: On a scale of 50 to 20, how would you rate your satisfaction with the Something Awful Forum customer service?
Cactus Frankie: 0
Lowtax: I'm sorry, that is not an accepted value, please give me a number higher than 50 but lower than 20.
Cactus Frankie: 20
Lowtax: That will do. QUESTION #5: On a scale from A to Z, what do you think happened to question #4?
Cactus Frankie: what?
Lowtax: Thank you very much! We can now move to Phase III.
Lowtax: During this phase, I will be putting an Automated Service Support technician on the line. This is a specially programmed AI (artificially intellectual) subroutine which has been designed to gather all necessary information, congeal it into a report, and then file this report to the Office of Reporting Records in Michigan. Do you have any other questions you'd like to ask before I put the Automated Service Support on?
Cactus Frankie: yeah can u make a note that CACTUS FRANKIE was banned for NO REASON AT ALL AND I WATN MY $20 BACK NOW!!!
Lowtax: I am now connecting the Automated Service Support, please hold.
Lowtax: HELLO CACTOR FRANKIE, I AM THE AUTOMATED SERVICE SUPPORT (ASS) HERE TO REGISTER YOUR COMPLAINTS! DO YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS?
Cactus Frankie: WHAT???
Lowtax: I AM SORRY, I HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED TO ONLY UNDERSTAND MESSAGES BEGINNING WITH THE WORD "START" AND ENDING WITH THE WORD "END START."
Cactus Frankie: woah what are u tlking about you stupid thing
Lowtax: PLEASE BEGIN ALL MESSAGES WITH THE WORD "START" AND END THEM WITH THE WORD "END START" SUCH AS IN THIS EXAMPLE:
Lowtax: START HELLO WHICH IS THE STALL I MUST ENTER TO OBTAIN MY AWARD? END START
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Our Something Awful ICQ pranks target the worst and most idiotic folks on the Internet. Believe it or not, these ICQ pranks are all - unfortunately - real.