The Flash is dead. After mistakenly shaking a can of soda at mach 5 speeds in the newest issue of his comic, our most fleet-footed hero has departed this world for the big sidewalk in the sky. DC has confirmed that no attempt will be made to resurrect the character. The Flash is gone for good.
In memory of the Flash we all grew up with, let us reflect upon some of his comic book appearances and hope that there are bad guys in heaven just waiting to be punched a thousand times from all directions in a fraction of a second.
With crime at an all-time low, the Flash suddenly finds himself with more free time on his hands than he knows what to do with. Will hamming it up in front of movie theater screens across the country be enough to stave off his boredom?
Moviegoers: Hey! Get outta the way of the picture show!
Flash: Woop woop! What's the matter? Can't see? Haha!
Moviegoers: What's the big idea?
Flash: Look at my shadow! Here, look, the world's fastest dog - Woofwoofwoof. Woofwoofwoof.
Moviegoers: Booo! Hiss! Booo!
Flash: On to the next theater!
During his daily jog around the planet, the Flash comes across a Burmese tiger in his hometown's zoo and decides to keep it for himself. What wacky adventures await this unlikely duo?
Shoeshine Boy: Hey mista Flash, why you ridin' a tiger round the city if you can run faster than a biplane?
Flash: None of your business, kid! Go suck a lemon!
Shoeshine Boy: Why you...!
Flash: Haha. Stupid kid doesn't even have a tiger. What does he know?
Will the Flash let an inner ear infection get in the way of his mission to deliver a box of extremely fragile Faberge eggs across the country? Not if our hero can help it!
Wonder Woman: Are you in any condition to do this? Why not give me the eggs and let me transport them in my invisible jet for you!
Flash: I appreciate the offer, but no. I promised that I would deliver these eggs myself and I am a man of my word. Severely limited motor skills and balance be damned!
Flash: Say, what are you up to over there?
Batman: Oh, just putting my forehead on this baseball bat and spinning around as fast as possible. It's a detective thing, you wouldn't understand.
Flash: Dude, let me try that right now or I'll kill you.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
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