You walk into her bedroom and see her passed out on the floor. Looks like she's been drinking again. You move the half-filled bottle of whiskey away from her side and step close. Your heart is beating a mile a minute as you remember last time you tried to take her car you ended up getting four stitches, but you know that it is too late to turn around. You carefully slide your fingers into her jacket pockets, praying that you feel her Winnie the Pooh key chain. Nothing.
Your knee gets wet as you kneel down closer to her. You cannot check to see what it is. The pockets in her jean shorts are bulging with random contents. The trick is knowing which bulge is the keys. You carefully put one finger into your mother's pant pocket before sitting back, allowing yourself to rethink the situation. You finally have a chance to check what your knee came in contact with. Vomit.
Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.
The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'
This ain't your daddy's globe...! .... or is it?!
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