The soft rattlings of Bread leave you peaceful if not completely comatose. You feel at one with the world as you wander into downtown Beijing. The javelin rests on your shoulder, your quart of urine carefully held by Chad, as the two of you search for the Olympic celebrations. A block ahead you notice five colorful mascots huddled on the ground. Perhaps they know how to get to the stadium, you think slowly approaching the rainbow group. You accidentally trip over a pile of garbage when you're twenty feet around. The startled mascots turn towards you one at a time, each more adorable than the last. They slowly approach with open arms, and as they get closer, you aren't so sure about your safety.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
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