PAGE OF SHAME
Every so often I am motivated to round up the worst submissions that get sent my way and lambaste them as best I can as a man who barely knows what the word "lambaste" means. Although this weekly feature clearly has the word "Photoshop" in the title, many people submitting images do not know the first thing about Photoshop, and instead of asking or taking time to learn the absolute basics, simply make horrible images and submit them anyway. It's an unfortunate part of my job to look through all the images submitted, and sometimes I cannot do this without ending up gravely depressed. Rather than internalize all my pain and suffering, I will use this opportunity to blame the authors of this week's worst submissions for everything that's wrong in the horrible world.
AKAPseudonym stuns us with this marvelous attempt at making mediocrity look like a fucking awesome roller coaster ride through the bowels of fiery Hell itself! It's an adventure in minimalism that fails because, well, he couldn't even do that right. You're making a picture of basically nothing, and you can't make it look crisper than this? Blurry text, poorly cut and pasted spoon, ugly everything. Please learn Photoshop before entering in our weekly Photoshop gladiatorial contest.
Is there something monumentally impossible about finding non-blurry images to work with from the start? There are a many ways to combat this, from spending more time searching to buying a damn box of cereal and taking a picture of it. Hell, even asking someone to take a higher quality picture of a box of their cereal is a possibility. You can even, if you have the talent, work at duplicating the box design from scratch. But instead we have people like badstar who grab the first blurry piece of crap source image they can and set to work editing it, which ultimately helps to make the whole thing look uglier in the end. You know what happens when men settle for the first thing available? Spousal abuse. Maybe you think it's okay to beat women, badstar, but I don't.
Remember everything I said about badstar? Well it mostly all applies to FishShalami as well. I hope you two get joined together at the duodenum when you're both burning in the circle of Hell dedicated to lazy Photoshop jerks.
waxnugg made this radical picture that you can print out and frame in your dollhouse. It was nice of him to submit a thumbnail, but unfortunately I don't have a magnifying glass so I can not truly appreciate this beauty. Somewhere I'm sure there are some high function mentally handicapped gnomes enjoying the hell out of this picture, though.
THERE'S SOME MORE ON THE NEXT PAGE, YOU COW-EYED JERK!
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Photoshop Phriday showcases the tremendous image manipulation talents of the Something Awful Forum Goons. Each week they tackle a new theme, parodying movies, video games, comics, history, and anything else you can think of. If you want in on the action, join us on the Something Awful Forums!