THE PATRIOT MATCHMAKER, submitted by Adam. This site is hosted by DOV. We've tangled with them before. What we learned then, and what still holds true today, is that if a site is hosted by DOV, then the site is most likely run by a lunatic. So that was Bad Sign Number One. Bad Sign Number Two is the site's motto, which is as follows:



I suppose that's true. If terrorists were to attack my residence or place of business, I'd want a like-minded mate there with me. She'd understand that when I pull her body over mine to shield myself from the flames and debris, that it is out of love for my country, and not because I'd really rather not die. Other than that, I'm not positive how having a mate who is absolutely insane would really help prepare me for a terrorist-oriented situation.

This site, which is obviously designed to provide a dating service to individuals who are so obsessed with being prepared for another attack on American soil that they have driven off all of the available potential mates in their immediate vicinity, is also the home of the Patriot Matchmaker Newsletter. The current edition of this fact-filled publication contains five fascinating articles: an apology from the author for recent goblin-related computer difficulties, a super-religious quote of some kind, instructions on how to reply to a personal ad, and two articles of conspiracy theory bullshit, just in case you didn't get enough of that on DOV.

Low Fat Diet is Destructive

No human can live without fat or sugar or salt. Let's talk about the fat that your body needs to nourish the brain and many other parts. We call it EFA, or essential fatty acids. In the field of fat lies are rampant. Let me give you a small sample of the truth. Dry skin or mouth indicates a lack of fat in the diet. Look at your feet for dryness.

For some completely inexplicable reason, the site also has a section for fiction, which houses one short (SHORT) story about a brief fling in outer space in the distant future. Yup. NEVER FORGET.

– Ben "Greasnin" Platt

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